This Train Announcement is Brought to you by the Letter O

If you're lucky enough to be riding the train in Melbourne, Australia, enjoy it while it lasts. Because local authorities are cracking down on your sexy conductor.

A "husky-voiced" woman is commandeering the public address system and engaging in some x-rated bawdy talk. Passengers on the train were not amused. Especially those with kids. But then it is the land down under.

Quote of the Story: "There was a woman on the address system. It was very graphic about how she was going to have sex with a driver for about three minutes."

Funny, I think that's what it would say if the male driver was describing it. I think the quotee means she described her sexual activities for about three minutes and not that she wanted it to last three minutes. You never know, it was rush hour and people have to get off at their stop.

Apparently the PA break-in's are become more frequent and longer. But then isn't that really the goal? Doesn't everyone want it more frequently and longer?

I think they just ought to try to get her to announce the stations. At least that way someone will finally listen to the announcements. Tell me the next stop. Sloooowly.

This is a great new opportunity for the Connex who operates the metropolitan train system to seize the day and go with a whole new branding campaign. Here are my twisted ideas:

• Love Train
• The Little Engine That Will
• Trains Entering Tunnels Again and Again
• Get Off on Our Train
• Do the Tube
• There is no I in Conductor But There Is U
• Hop On, Hop Off
• $1.95 per minute
• Great Rides
• We Put the X in Train X-ings
• Our Tennis Isn't the only thing that's Open

Feel free to submit you own, kids. And if you think I'm not going to use their feedback form to submit these ideas, you don't know me very well.