The Most Wonderful Day of the Year

I warned you last week so you'd best be prepared, me buckos.

In something that's sure to make you laugh out loud at first and then become decreasingly funny as the day goes on, it's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. By 5:00 pm, you'll actually want to use a cutlass on any co-worker who makes that damn annoying ARRRRR voice again.

Unless you go to Brown University, then you can't get enough of it.

And yes, I do stay up late on National Talk Like a Pirate Day's Eve and get to open just one cask of rum early. Right after we're done hanging our peg legs by the fireplace.

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What is Richard Harris' greatest hit? Mac Arrrrrthur Parrrrk

What are a pirate's favorite kind of sock? Arrrrgyle

What is a pirate's favorite restaurant? Arrrrrby's

Why do pirates love "A Christmas Carol?" Jacob Marrrrley

Why do pirates like sea chanties so much? They get to arrrrdition for the part.

What religion do pirates practice? Rastafarrrrrianism with Bob Marrrrley

Where do pirates vacation? Key West

Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated arrrrrrr.

What is a pirate's favorite college football team? Arrrrrrmy (you'd think it would be Navy)

Why don't pirates own dogs? All the barrrrking

Why do pirates love Riverdance? It's Iiiiiiiiirish.

Why do pirate love Frank Lloyd Wright? He was an arrrrchitect.

How do the scalawags stay so thin? They do Pi-rat-es.

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Okay, I'll shut up now. Now get your name and post it for all to flee in terror.

Love,

Jolly Mon

Get My Drink On At the Crack of Dawn

Because we've fixed everything else in our great State of Michigan, we're working on the Sports Fans Bill of Rights. Sure we may not know what to do about the Ford Motor Company, striking Northwest Airlines Flight attendants and just settled our Detroit Public School Teachers' Stike, but we take our football seriously.

State Representative Leon Drolet (R-Macomb Township) has a couple of ideas to make the Lions games at Ford Field more exciting. First, allow alcohol sales to start at 7:00 am instead of noon on Sundays. Second, fans should be allowed to wave signs that criticize the management of the Lions. And by "the management" he means Matt Millen.

If you got to see any of the Lions' games (a 9-6 loss to the Seahawks and a Chicago Bear blowout), you'll easily understand why fans should be able to start drinking early and often. It's chemically impossible to be in a state of alcohol induced numbness sufficient to watch the Lions in only an hour.

I especially liked Roy Williams celebrating a catch yesterday against da Bears. He made a grab then got up and did the first down handmotion. Too bad they were down by 24 points by then. And that's after Roy had guaranteed a win against the Bears earlier in the week. Way to rile up the best defense in football, Roy.

And Matt Millen sucks donkey balls. Since taking the helm of the Lions five years ago, they have the worst record in the entire NFL. There are even websites devoted just to getting him fired. Rep. Drolet argues that since public money was used to fund the stadium, we should not be curtailing free speech there.

Whatever, college boy. As long as we can get into the sauce a little bit earlier, we might actually be able to stomach another 6-10 team this year. Next week the 0-2 Packers are on the schedule. Something has to give....

Always Be Closing

#3 On Closing the Transaction

This one isn’t rocket science either. Love is all around. Don’t waste it. When you’ve got a chance, take it. Wait, that may be from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Pick up your beret already and let’s move on.

The point is, when you’ve got a chance to score a date, go for it. This is the new millennium. Women are now allowed to bear the fear of rejection just like men have been doing for years (with the exception of Sadie Hawkin’s Dances). Then we're really flattered and as giggly as can be when two women fight over us. That's happened exactly once in the recorded history of Earth.

Yes, women are now allowed to ask men:

• to dance
• to go out to eat
• to hang out
• to neck
• to go to a movie
• to get a cocktail

There are no rules anymore. It’s chaos. Cats and dogs are living together. Get your head around it, baby. Chicks, you’re our equals now. Yes, we’re just as confused as you are. No, we don’t have any answers either.

Troubles arise between men and women when communication is vague or unclear. She hears, “I’ll call you.” He heard himself say, “Maybe I’ll call. Some day. Perhaps at half time.” Don’t settle for that weak shit. You’re so money and you don’t even know it. You need to firm up those plans. Get a real yes, dammit. ABC. Always Be Closing.

And that’s part of the closing --make definite plans. Non-committal answers are a polite no. If he’s not willing to be pinned down, move on. If he can’t see your genius, good looks and great personality, it’s his loss. Going out with his best friend or brother is always a nice response, but don’t compromise your standards just to make a point.

The perfect non-confrontation close involves lunch. Lunch is nothing. Who doesn’t do lunch? You meet somewhere, have a meal in public and then return to your appointed toil. It’s a great excuse for a quick getaway. If things aren’t working out, you've got a meeting at 1:00. You ought to be able to score a lunch date in your sleep by now. Lunch is where you’ll be able to work your magic. As long as you don’t get spinach stuck in your teeth. Again.

And getting the lunch date is just part of the fun. You’ve still got those background checks, sexual partner referrals, Google searches, credit reports and felony conviction records to go through. So get cracking.

Stealing Second Base

Thomas Vogel deserves a big hand. On a tv show in Cologne, Germany, Mr. Vogel unhooked 56 bras in 60 seconds using just one hand. Sure it's impressive, but I probably wouldn't put it on my resume. I won't ask what the other hand was doing.

Yes, he was using real live girls to demonstrate. Here's some swell vid from the fine You Tube user community. It's not the record setting demonstration, but it's got to be close.

This actually sounds like a pretty good scam. "Would you help me try to set a world record? Great, take your shirt off and turn around."

No word on whether the removed bras were Cleavacious in nature. Not having ever removed (or put on for that matter) a Cleavacious, I'm not sure if instituting Cleavaciousness takes longer time than a regular bra.

Argh, It's Just Round the Corner

Are you ready? Have you been practicing on the plank? Do you have your rapier-wit and a big gold earring? Or you can just drink a lot and kind of stumble around like Johnny Depp.

That's right. It's already been another year. It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19th. This year there's even a song.

And on the 18th, the Talk Like a Pirate family (yeah, that wouldn't get old) is going to be on Wench Wife Swap on ABC at 9:00 pm EDT (check local listings).

Remember, nothing makes a wench look wenchier and display her corsetted buxomness than a Karey Weyenberg designed Cleavacious bra.

Enjoy the day, ye lubbers.

Love,

t2ed aka "Jolly Mon"

Best Headline Ever

Thanks to CNN for posting this little gem:

Angered Hussein: 'We will crush your heads'

No, Saddam. I'm crushing your head. Pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch.

If you've never seen the Headcrusher on Kids in the Hall, it's even crazier than it sounds.

And yes, I have unobtrusively crushed a head or two during staff meetings at Virtucon.

Bless you, Mr. Tyzik.

Horsing Around

I'm not making any of this up. And ewww, just ew.

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The headline: Sheriff's Deputies Make Bizarre Arrest

The Story:

Santa Barbara County sheriff's deputies come across a bizarre encounter at La Purisima Mission in Lompoc.

Around midnight they found a 69-year-old Huntington beach man naked and covered in oats.
Deputies say the man had covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and allowed the horses at the mission to lick him clean.

He apparently told deputies this has always been a fantasy of his and drove up from the Los Angeles area to play it out.

Alfred Thomas Steven was cited and released for trespassing, animal cruelty and sexually assaulting an animal.

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I can't believe this guy isn't from Ohio. Good thing the cops were able to corral this pervert. How would you like to be the Public Defender saddled with this case? Any jury is going to want to horsewhip this defendant. And you know this isn't the first time he's rolled around in oats. Yup, he's a serial offender.

But is it really animal cruelty? They're getting a free breakfast after all. Hope they're not too fond of carrots. I thought you were always supposed to keep your hand flat while feeding horses.

I wonder if the judge who gets this case will be named Ed? Okay, I can't drag out these bad puns any longer so we're headed for the home stretch. If I keep this up I'll get barned from Blogger. We'll bur back tomorrow kids.

On Going To Market

#2 Going to Market

Okay, you should have at least some semblance of strategy about your main product--you. It should be written down, but if it's only in your head that's better than nothing. If your homework is incomplete, do not pass go, do not collect your date and go back and do a little thinking before venturing out into the man-filled wilderness.

The key to implementing the strategic marketing plan is positioning yourself into circumstances or events in which you have the ability to interact with single men. "Well, duh," you might be saying. It seems obvious, but it’s often overlooked. Go where the boys are. No, not the crappy George Hamilton movie. I can’t tell you the number of times someone says to me, “I went to Curves, the shoe store and the fabric store and I didn’t run into a single man anywhere.” Hello, McFly. You need to go to the places the men (and the buffalo) roam.

Your target market should naturally congregate at the following locations or event types:

• Golf Courses
• Sporting Events
• Monster Truck Shows
• Barber Shops
• Hardware Stores
• Stores specializing in meat products
• Gun and/or knife shows
• Book stores (but avoid the self help and human sexuality sections -- that smells of desperation)

You should also attempt to minimize any time spent at the following event types or locations which research has shown to be target market poor:

• Craft Shows
• Events involving children or Girl Scouts
• Cross Stitch stores
• Places with frilly things

Now you may be saying to yourself, “But I don’t like the type of men who go to The Jerky Hut.” That doesn’t matter. This isn’t just about meeting someone you want to date, it’s about making contacts who may know someone you want to date. Your girlfriends are dead to you. If they could have fixed you up already, it would have happened by now.

And don’t travel in packs of women. You're an attractive woman not a wolf for sweet baby jebus sake. Bringing the competition along with you will only make it harder to close the deal.

I know some folks swear by grocery stores. That never worked for me when I was single. Maybe it's because I was always in the snacks and beer aisle instead of produce fondling the suggestively-shaped squashes.

Some people swear by church. If that floats your boat, fine. But when there's tension in the pews, that can't be good. You don't want to get smote because you're casting lingering looks across the aisle when you ought to be paying attention to the preacher going on and on and on about fornication.

Okay, so far we know why someone would date you and we know where to go to find someone who might date you. Next week, actually getting that date.

Feel free to submit your questions, whining, rants or all of the above in the interim, kids.

Labeled for Life

I can't tell you how proud I am to be the first result in this search.

bottomless butlers hen parties

Man, you write one post about naked men serving food and you're branded a maverick and a trouble maker. Good thing I didn't shag a sheep.

I still don't think bottomless butlers can be very hygienic no matter how cheeky it is. (Yes, I actually did that. Mea maxima culpa). If they make you wear a paper hat or a hair net at McDonald's, how does the health inspector let them get away pantsless?

Bet they don't serve beef kebabs or Vienna sausages at those parties.

Butt It's Not Adjustable

The fine people at Cleavacious need to apply their technology to this problem. I wanted to copy their picture and use it but they've got some kind of interweb magic to keep me from doing it. Curses.

The Evil Empire that is Wonderbra have invented new underwears with pads to make you look like baby's got back. Basically, you put some inserts in your trunk so it makes you look like you've got heart-shaped junk.

Are asses really supposed to be heart-shaped? I thought that was for mouths. Don't people always go on and on about having a heart-shaped, pouty lips? Man there's so much I don't get about how people are supposed to tell us how we need to look and feel anymore. Glad I've given up.

Wonderbra has clearly missed the boat here. There are no straps so you can't wear your ass down during the day and pull it up for night action. Because if you're wearing your ass up at work, that's just going to invite harassment. You know some lawyer is going to go nuts on that during the court case. It was consensual. It was a misunderstanding. She was wearing her ass up.

But that's the genius that is the Clevacious. It's the unique adjustable bra. Maybe Karey Weyenberg can get into the lab and work on a prototype. Padding? Pffft. Straps are where it's at, baby!

Are You Sure It's Not Monday?

How come on Labor Day everyone skips work?

Man it sure feels like a Monday around here. Kids are back to school, everyone is walking around with a logy look on their face and it's still pretty quiet. Why is this post so random? I blame the four day weekend.

Crikey, it's sad about Steve Irwin. At least he was doing what he loved--stalking an animal with a camera crew in tow for a great show. I've held a stingray before. They're really gentle creatures. It was just a freak accident, but Steve will be missed.

It was good to watch college football again last weekend. Hope the right teams won the games you were watching. It's such a shame Miami had to lose that great game to Florida State. Wait, no it's not. I hate the Hurricanes and their ruffians. I also love when Chief Osceola comes riding out on his horse and throws the spear into the field. As much as I love Sparty, throwing the flaming war spear into the field falls just short of actually throwing feces at the other team. It's that awesome.

The Man Market

#1 Marketing to Men

So you want to meet a man? Well get over the whole mystery thing. You're not going to gaze across a crowded room (or even bar), lock eyes, hear violins (or Dream Weaver), rush into each others arms (or loins), lock lips and then start picking out China patterns. You aren't Princess Dianna, you don't want someone with ears that big and that didn't end will anyway.

Women, you need a plan. This may sound unromantic, but it works. Dates are just interviews with the threat of sex. You are your own little cottage industry in the global market of dating. You've got to get out there and network, evaluate the competition, know your market strengths (and weaknesses) and always be closing.

One of my older friends had her husband go gay on her. Not surprisingly, she wound up divorced, lonely, and needed some assistance in finding men. Toward that end, the following marketing plan was designed for her. I'm trusting you can also use it for your needs.

Your Key Messages:

I am single
I am fun to date.
If you can’t date me, you must know someone who can.

Obviously, I don't know you well enough to tell you what your other key messaging points should be. That would require an interview, voice of the customer analysis and more work than we have time for. As the Oracle said, "Know Thyself."

Why would a man want to spend time with you? Okay you gutterminds, why would a man want to spend more than 45 minutes with you?

Are you funny? Are you smart? Are you fun? Are you emotionally needy? Do you need three hours before you're ready to go anywhere? The answers to all these questions should not be yes. Why have men complimented you in the past? This should not be limited to physical attributes. Many men are simply looking for a good woman who appreciates a well run two-minute drill.

You should be able to articulate in two sentences or less what you bring to any possible relationship. This is known as the elevator speech and has to be short and to the point. Some examples include:

• I have season tickets to [insert local sporting team here].
• I love [insert ethnicity here] food too.
• I clean my house naked.
• I like going to comedy clubs.
• Yes, these are real and they're quite spectacular.
• Check out this tattoo and/or piercing.

Yours may be very different or you may steal leverage from the list above. I do not suggest going out and getting a piercing just because none of the others apply to you.

Publics/Stakeholders:

· Single Men (anywhere, but preferably within driving distance)

This is the key market. There is, however, some dispute about the best type of man. Some believe in Type A: smart, suave, verbally-gifted, funny in the mold of Cary Grant. Others argue that the opposite type of man is the best. Type B is the strong, silent type (perhaps with limited intellect) which can be manipulated (or trained) to meet expectations. While flannel is optional for the Type B man, an archetype is typically known as the “big-strapping mountain man.” As all men are merely bears with pants, there may be no actual difference between Type A man and Type B for the purpose of this strategy.

· Married Men

This is not an appropriate target market. Instead, married men should be relied upon only for possible referrals to the target market or for advance market information of possible new opportunities occurring either through divorce, death of a spouse or release from incarceration.

· Women

Like married men discussed more fully above, women are solely a source of possible referrals. You're desperate, but not desperate enough to actually switch sides. Despite that experimental phase at summer camp. Because of possible competition, however, other single women should not be relied upon as the sole supplier of possible referrals.

Key Messages by Audience:

Men – Single: Hi, it’s okay for you to ask me out.
Men – Married: Hi, don’t you have any single friends that I can date?
Women - Married: Hi, don’t you have any single friends that I can date?
Women – Single: Hi, do you have any ex-boyfriends who aren’t losers who I can date? Why aren’t you dating him anymore?

Please feel free to submit your questions if you'd like to try to steer this conversation toward something approaching usefulness. More useless advice to follow soon.

My Experimental Phase

On of my swell efriends has told me that I need to write stuff like this on my own blog.

In my defense, I don't really give advice. One, it's all I can do drag myself to work and home on a given day. If I have to go to the dry cleaners and the bank on the same day, it's like I've run a marathon. I'd have made a shitty pioneer.

Two, I don't really know anything about anything. Oh, I'm a wealth of useless information like bauxite was the major export of Jamaica and is used in the production of aluminum and Willie Hernandez won both the Cy Young and MVP Award in 1984 and the only song Elvis ever wrote was Viva Las Vegas. But for practical, fix my problem kind of advice, I'm pretty worthless.

Third, I don't consider myself wise. Sure, every now and then I have a flash of insight. But it never has any application. Stuff like: If fat and slim are opposites, why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Mildly amusing, yes. Insightful, no. Yes, I kind of understand how men think because I'm one of them. And I'm smart enough to know that there are certain things about women I'll never understand. But while I don't understand the fascination with shoes and sparkly jewelry, I do know how to use it to my advantage.

So when I read that someone was drunk enough to used eHarmony to wind up feeling rejected, it's time for an intervention. Just like friends don't let friends drink white zinfandel, I'm going to be part of the solution.

So it begins.....tomorrow bitches.

You Know You Want One

Please, come in. Sit down. Relax. Take a couple of deep breaths. Have a sip of a nice, cool, refreshing beverage.

Please try to remain calm. Don't panic. Because you're absolutely, positively going to go nuts over what you're about to see. No shoving, no yelling, no rude behavior in your rush to acquire one.

Yes, that's a Sock Monkey Dress.

Can you imagine anything nicer than a Cleavacious and a Sock Monkey Dress? I didn't think so.

You'll be the hit of the Holiday Party scene. Act now.

And the ultimate accessory? Banana Purse.

If Monkey Woman had this costume for her crime fighting, she'd still be on the show.

When you see Bjork at the next Grammy's wearing one of these, remember you saw it here first.

Have It Deloused First

In addition to, like, listening to her new album, Paris is also auctioning off her bed (including the mattress) and some other furniture. While it doesn't say so, my guess is that the bed has just finally given out. Those box springs can only take so much repetitive motion. And that's if you flip it every six months. What a shock to find out that Paris' bed is scuffed up.

I always thought if you wanted to get into Paris Hilton's bed you just needed to buy a bottle of vodka not the whole bed. So with a tip of the cap to Dave, here are the Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Buying Paris Hilton's bed.

10. Will it make my wife more whorey?
9. Is it really made out of space-age polymers developed by NASA?
8. Does it come with penicillin?
7. Is the "Please Take a Number" machine included?
6. Which famous slut's bed does Consumer Reports recommend buying?
5. Can it comfortably sleep five?
4. Does sleeping on this bed qualify me to be a Greek shipping heir?
3. Do I need the undercoating?
2. Can I just pay her to break in my current bed?
1. Why is T2ed carved in the headboard?

Oh, Paris. We kid because we care. Oh, that's right. We don't care about you. Nevermind.

Jesus Hates Techno Music

I have returned from Up North and lived to tell the tale. Luckily, I was able to get in all my golf rounds without getting a soaker. The line of the weekend was from one of the starters at a course stating, "It's a lovely October day." Too bad it was August. Thus, there was much driving around, eating well, and driving around some more.

We did manage to randomly drive through the Sausage Capital in Cedar, Michigan. Now that's a sign that makes the ladies sit up and take notice. At least the one riding with me sure did.

The Christians and their techno music did not fare so well. They were smote on two days with hard, driving rain. When I drove past the Open Space, there was no one there. Thus, I wasn't able to get any sweet Christian PJ's.

And in other works of Satan, does anyone else wonder if Mel Gibson paid that crank to confess to the Joan Benet murder? I'm just saying, look at what pushed Mad Mel off the front page. Is it crazy or is it genius crazy?

And congratulations, Ari. It's about time.

You consistently manage to steal the show every week. And in your own words, "I'm the only straight man to bring his mother two years in a row."

Now if only Turtle could be that funny.

With Apologies to Joyce Kilmer

As I sat in a worthless meeting yesterday (3.5 hours, no decisions made), I thought about the inventors of the best product ever. They've had the wisdom to link to me and can tell that my adoration is real. Thus, I am officially declaring myself the Poet Laureate of the Clevacious Adjustable Bra. I'm the Couplet Creator, the Prime Timer Rhymer, the Worse Verse of Reverse, the Prince Charming of No Harming , the King of Swing and All That Thing.

But I have a confession to make. I don't actually know anyone who wears a Cleavacious. Maybe I do and just don't know it. Or maybe they're just not wearing it in the "locked and upright position." So I'll have to confess that my experience with the Cleavacious is in that swell demo on their site. But that limited experience can best be summed up with the phrase "fantabulous."
So it is with that adoration in heart (if not in hand) that I offer the following:

I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a B

Which swells and grows to a C

Or with luck impressive D

And appears quite ostentatious
When enhanced by a Cleavacious.

If worn down, look professional
If up and out, bypass the confessional

Decolletage will enhance
A lady's chance at romance

During the day, keep the girls in
But once the prowls of night begin

For all the men will no doubt shout
"Release them, let the girls come out."

Karey Weyenberg is the inventor
No other bra can make you contentor

So if you want to seem bodacious
And make the men become salacious

Let your bosom appear quite spacious
And get yourself a new Clevacious.

Feel free to submit your own ditties, limericks, couplets and declamations. Bonus points for bongo drum accompaniment.

Now I'm headed Up North for some hijinx and the Christian Electric Music Festival. Gotta get my Jesus Rock On, Party with the People, Dance with the Disciples and Proselytize with the Playas.

Everyone Get Right With the Lord

I don't want to say the end of days is upon us, but you explain this.

Paris Hilton says of her album, "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."

If that's not the beginning of the end, I don't know what is.

Paris, like, so good doesn't begin to describe it. I cry when I hear your album too. But it's not just tears. It's stomach cramping, a feeling like knitting needles are being shoved in my ears, my hands tingle like they've gone to sleep and my testes shrink up into my body like I'm in the Polar Bear Club.

I can't, like, wait for Nicky Hilton's album.

Has She Been Bad?

I don't know why, but this lil hunk of goofiness is the first search result for this on Google.

I NEED PROFESSIONAL SPANKER FOR MY WIFE IN CARDIFF

Sorry, searcher. I'm strictly amateur. I don't want to lose my status for the Spanking Olympics. That's how they screwed Jim Thorpe.

I know the interweb it great for everything: maps, news, stupid stuff happening in Ohio. I did not put "obtaining professional spanking services" into the category of things improved by the interweb. Obviously, I stand corrected.

Please return to your appointed toil. By the way, does anyone have a hairbrush?

Splitsville

If Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson can't make it work, what chance do any of us have?

After six years of marriage and the release of one son, Hudson's publicist, Brad Cafarelli.
confirmed that Kate and Chris are separated.

While it's great to make your publicist take the heat when you make your announcement, Bad Brad really didn't offer any details for the split.

So I've got to make them up here. Feel free to play along at home kids.
Kate really is hard to handle now

• Chris' self-indulgent guitar solos
• Kate's steadfast refusal to shake her moneymaker
• Chris' insistence on spelling Crowes with the superfluous "e"
• Rich Robinson would not move out of basement
• Kate did not, in fact, talk to angels
• Chris saw Me, You & Dupree

No word on whether Kate and her new co-star Matthew McConaughey in the upcoming movie Fool's Gold are re-uniting in more ways that one. If so, I'll bet Chris will be jealous again.

When you strike comedy gold by pairing Kate and Matt in the critically acclaimed How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it's easty to understand they'd go back to the well on that one.