Once Bit, Twice Shy

Our Wee One got bit at doggie day care this week.

It was like a mob hit at an Italian restaurant in New Jersey. Nobody saw nothin'.

Knowing Tiki, he probably started it.

Tiki is a tough guy though. No whining or complaining. Couldn't even tell he had a flesh wound until you put your hand on his back and came away with the CSI evidence.

Yup, that's the carnage over there. Hope nobody was having breakfast.

Luckily, it's almost square in his back so he can't reach it. This spares him from having to wear one of those collars that all the other dogs make fun of. That doesn't mean he doesn't try to get at it. That's why it looks a little red to the right of the stiches there. He's been scratching at it.

It only seems like we have to watch him 24 hours a day. In reality, it's more like 25 hours.

Unfortunately, I completely disagree with dressing up animals. Because it leads to stuff like this.

But I'll have to admit to buying a Wife Beater for the Tiki Monster. I won't let him wear it out in public, but it does perfectly cover up the stitches.

At least they made a sarcastic one.

Little GTO

Here's a headline I didn't think I'd see today:

Mayo Clinic Hospital Surgeon Takes Photo of Patient's Penis During Surgical Procedure

Dr. Adam Hansen took a picture of strip club owner Sean Dubowik's penis during a gall bladder operations. It seems that seeing the words Hot Rod tattooed on Dubo's ding dong was too much to resist. Apparently, Hot Rod Sean got the tattoo as part of a $1000 bet. Classy.

How much would it take for someone to shove needles into your penis? Let's just say it's probably more than $1000. And I've have gone with something clever like:

• Insert Tab A Into Slot B
• A lightning bolt
• Monica Was Here
• Don't Tread on Me
• This End Very Up
• Yes, I'll Respect You Even More
• Don't Pull on My Hips, I Know What I'm Doing.

But the quote of the story has to be:

"I feel violated, betrayed and disgusted," Dubowik said."

And I think we all know how much it must take to get a strip club owner to feel disgusted.

Now I'm not going to defend Dr. Hansen for taking a patient pee pee picture. That's preposterous. But if you've got a tattoo on your penis that says Hot Rod, you might not get up on your moral high horse in indignation. In fact, I'm willing to bet another $1000 that Sean has used the line, "Want to go for a ride on my hot rod?" on more than one occasion.

It's not a privacy issue though. There could be tons of people with penis tattoos that say Hot Rod out there.

Actually, it doesn't say Hot Rod. It says How Do You Like Alex Rodriguez Now Madonna? But, you know, he was sedated at the time.

And if these kind of shenanigans and hi jinx are going on at the Mayo Clinic, what do you think happens at the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College where you have to go because of your crummy health insurance?

Just remember when you get a tattoo on your hoohah, it might wind up on the interwebs.

So start practicing on your indignation, violation, betrayal and disgust looks in the mirror. Because you know this is going to result in a great big lawsuit.

And while I'm sure there's nothing that could be done to compensate my client, I do know that the only method you have to make him whole is to give him 4.6 million dollars in compensatory damages. Bless you, Cirroc.

Piss on the Wall

I love crappy advertising. I mean love, love, love it. Almost as much as I love Sharpies. Almost.

So it was with great joy that I introduce you to Petey P. Cup, the new spokesthing for HealthPartners. I'm not making this up. It's even in a real paper and not just on Facebook.

Now I've never seen a 6 foot, 11 inch pee cup in real life. Only in that nightmare I had before my prostate exam. But I don't think I'm going to be able to fill that up. Maybe one time after I drank all that orange soda at the fair.

Mr. Cup is part of a new advertising campaign that is going to be the biggest thing to hit the Twin Cities since Alan Page.

As part of the campaign, there are giant pee cups being left around the cities.

Who wants to make a bet that some drunk is eventually going to really try to use one of these? Hope it's only number one and he's not trying to bust a grumpy. Okay, how about odds that he plays for the Vikings?

But probably the most important thing is ladies, he's single. Hope you like the smell of vinegar.

Check Those Chi Chi's

Hey, kids! October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The fine folks at Cleavacious actually have pink bras for sale this month and 5% of all proceeds go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

And things are going well enough for Inventor Extraordinaire Karey Weyenberg (who really got screwed by the Nobel Committee this year) that the Cleavacious is actually advertised in this month's O Magazine. I'm sure Karey just wanted to let me know because I'm such a big apprecianado (it's like aficionado but liking it a lot more)of her work.

But the most important part of this month is that you check yourself. Breast cancer is the most prevalent form of cancer in women. If you're not sure how to to a BSE (Breast Self Exam), there are plenty of online resources on the interwebs.

If you're not up to a self exam, ask a stranger. You won't need to shower them with lovely gifts like Skagen watches to get them to lend a hand. Or two. You'll be surprised how helpful some people are willing to be. In fact, I've got a drive thru window open all October that is being staffed with extremely helpful gentlemen who also have warm hands. I can't wait for Halloween and all the ladies who need exams come by dressed slutty up.

I think the only problem with having October be Breast Cancer Awareness Month is that the name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. And let's face it, did you really think I was going to go a whole post without boob jokes? So here are some suggestions for a better name for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

• Knocktober
• Hooterween
• Autumn Show Them More Often
• Breastacula
• Frankentitty Fest
• Month of Mammaliciousness
• Nippleriffic Night
• All Hooter's Eve
• Devil's Double D Night
• Highbeam Harvest
• Coco-tober
• Bobbing for Love Apples
• Tatatober
• All Naturals Night

Feel free to play along at home, kids!