Flack And Proud

Rudy Redux

2009-12-18T14:44:00.003-07:00

You know Davis, and Justin and Faldo and Freddy
Jesper and Beemer and Philly and Vijay
But do you recall,
The most horny golfer of all?

Tiger the blue-balled golfer
Always wanted to chase tail
And if he ever met them
He would leave a bad voice mail

All of the other golfers
Used to laugh and call him names (like Youdaman)
They never let poor Tiger
Join in any skins golf games

Then one soggy Major Eve
Finchem came to say
"Tiger with your balls so blue
Won't our purses grow with you."

Then all the skanks they loved him
When they met at a hotel
Tiger the blue-balled golfer
You are going straight to hell.

Crazy

2009-08-20T17:22:00.005-06:00

If you hadn't heard, Phil Spector is in the joint. Apparently the same joint that Charles Manson is in. And Charles supposedly sent a note to Phil asking him to drop by his cell so they could discuss Chuckie's music career. Wow, there's a lot going on there.

How would you like to get a request for a meet and greet with Charles Manson? Talk about an offer you can't refuse. I've got a feeling that's going to put you off the prison chow quicker than any diet pills will.

What kind of music do you think Charles Manson writes? Nothing but love songs I'll bet.

We'll you're lucky enough to know this intrepid reporter. Because I snuck into the Corcoran penal facility and recovered the sheet music from Charles Manson's cell.

Here are the songs that will be one Chucky's first album.

You've Lost That Killing Feeling
Oops, I Killed Her Again
They're Coming to Take Me Away
Jailhouse Rock
We Are Family
Killa's Paradise
Twisted
The Wind Beneath My Prison Jumpsuit
My Killin' [Always Gonna Get It]
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
I Will Always Stab You
Semi Shortened Life
Baby Got Whacked
I Believe I Can Die
Stab-arena
My Heart Will Not Go On
To All the Girls I've Killed Before
Killin' Me Not So Softly
Helter Skelter

Obviously, that's going to be a box set.

Tighten Up

2009-07-17T13:14:00.005-06:00

I have to admit that Utah is the land of MILF's. Of course, most of them are 19 and already have 3 kids, but they're still MILF's. Back in the day, we used to call those Catholic Twins.

But they're seemingly always walking their urchins in their multi-level quinny buzz strollers with the portable (and detachable umbrella), the GPS device, the built in cooler (for milk bottles and Evian) and the DVD player so the kids can be outside but not actually know they're outside.

And because I typically have both of the Hell Hounds en leashe (that's French for "on leash"), I've learned to give them a wide birth. That's because the urchins love to pet the doggies (and I h

ate having to try to comb jam out of their coats) and the hounds have learned that there are unguarded foodstuffs like crackers and cookies and fingers that they can slurp for a little energy boost.

But when you're walking your kids and you look like you have one of these on, yeah, you can pet the dogs. For as long as you like.

I wish I were making this up.

I Want You Back

2009-07-16T11:21:00.004-06:00

This just in.... Michael Jackson is still dead. It's finally starting to sink in. Despite all of the news stories, Michael Jackson remains dead.

Sure, they've already spotted his ghost on a car's hood in England. They call it a bonnet, but it's a hood. Those wacky English. It's like they've got another word for everything. Wuh?

But a Michael Jackson ghost? I thought he was pretty spooky when he was alive.

But while the critically important information about Michael Jackson's life insurance rates still haven't been unearthed, it's only a matter of time. Come on, people. It's always about the life insurance. I learned that from watching Double Indemnity so many times.

Most importantly, it's finally time that Michael's getting his most fitting tribute. He'll be immortalized in butter at the upcoming Iowa State Fair. And don't think that Immortal Butter isn't a good name for a rock and roll band. Don't worry, they'll still have the Butter Cow. I don't know how I'm going to last until the fair starts in August.

But some people don't think butter is a proper art form for the King of Pop. The Iowa fair is actually letting people vote about it's propriety. Vote early, vote often. Just like you live in Chicago. Apparently the statue will have an astronaut on the moon and MJ will be moon walking. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty far way to go just to shoehorn him in there and ride some coattails.

Savvy fair-goers know they have to keep the sculptures inside a temperature controlled environment. But in case there's a power outage and MJ's statue starts to melt, it'll look just like the real thing. This is a little like when we got to vote on the Elvis stamp. Which nose do you think they'll use on MJ?

No matter how the vote goes, they'd better still have the Erotic Corndog Eating Contest. You don't mess with tradition.

Human Touch

2009-07-10T12:37:00.002-06:00

I'm getting less and less in touch with reality. That's probably because reality sux and all the stuff that people seem to care about, I can't even pretend to whip up any enthusiasm about. Seriously, give me the crawl on SportsCenter for about 5 minutes and I'm done.

Things I currently don't get:

Michael Jackson: He's still dead, right? Proud to say I didn't watch any of the funeral. Tried to tune out any ancillary info from people who did. Always hated his music. Surprised so many people are concerned about a drug addled pedophile. The good news, if it's too hot where you are, there's an umbrella carrier who's now looking for work.

Jon & Kate: Never seen it. Only seen clips on The Soup. Why are they on magazines? Think they should start selling Free Jon t-shirts. Sure he is glad to be free of Harpie McNaggie. Possible new show title: Kate + 8 + 1/2 of Jon's stuff. Or how 'bout Jon + Kate Every Other Weekend. Okay, last one: Jon + Kate + 8 Divorce Attorneys.

Sarah Palin: Good riddance. Bet she wants to be the next OctoMom.

Mark Sanford: In his defense, the mascot for the school is the Gamecock. Guess we know why. Speaking about not connected to reality, did he really think he could get away with it? He should blame his cell carrier. "Oh, you said 'hike the Appalachian Trail?' I thought you said, 'Get some Argentinian tail. Honest mistake." Don't the politicos know that you use your State Troopers to bring the hot women to your room and then drop your pants? I miss you, Bill. And where are the pictures of that woman? It is good to see the Republicans sleeping with women again though.

Big Box Stores: This may come as a shock to them, but when you can't find what you want, you get pissed and go somewhere else. No one is going to roam up and down every aisle in Home Despot to try to find where they've hidden the Price Pfister faucets. Seriously, now that they have the self-service check outs, no one actually works there any more. Bring an orange apron with you and steal the place blind.

ESPN SportsCenter: Referenced earlier, but wtf happened to this show. It used to be the best thing on tv. Now it sucks. First, quit yelling at me. Second, I don't give a shit that you're in California. Third, quit bringing celebs on the show. Just show us highlights already. Fourth, My Wish? I don't want sick kids in the morning. We're already depressed because we have to get up and go to work. Just show us the scores. My Wish is that you'd show some fucking highlights. Or that you'd finally hit more than .200 Jimmy Rollins. Fifth, reporting Shaq's tweet is not news.

All right. That's enough of a rant for now. At least it's Friday.

What are you kids not getting?

Eternal Flame

2009-07-03T07:25:00.001-06:00

Hiya, kids! It's almost July 4th. And as Americans, it's our civic duty to take the day off, eat grilled meat, drink and blow stuff up! Remember, if you skip any of those, the terrorists win.

I will confess to working one summer in a fireworks distribution center. That means I loaded semi's. And got a lot of illegal fireworks when we had stuff left over at the end of the season. Why are all the best fireworks available the very next state over? Lucky stiffs.

But if you're worried about fireworks safety, don't. Because all the fireworks are made in China. And we know what sticklers they are for public safety. So when you read the extremely detailed safety instructions on your illegal fireworks, just follow them carefully.

Light fuse
Place on ground
Get away

That's right. Get away. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.

But these guys said it best. It's Paul and Storm and it's 4 minutes in. Enjoy!

The Tender Trap

2009-07-02T10:29:00.006-06:00

As a regular reader, you're acquainted with the many, many times I've pointed out our long, long obsession with breasts. That this also makes me giggle should in no way undermine the serious, serious nature of the issue. Which is why I so lovingly write of the Cleavacious.

But we have something equally as fabulous today. Almost as fabulous as ginormous, gravity-defying, mouth-watering scoops of flesh. Yes, it's the RackTrap.

Lacking a purse (or even a man bag, baby), I'm all too well aware of all the crap that women have to tote around all the time: Make up, lipstick, pretty little frilly things, hard boiled eggs (for that trip to Let's Make a Deal where you finally screw over Monty Hall once and for all), pool repair kits, kleenex for snotty urchins, coupons, feminine hygiene supplies, nuclear launch codes, keys to houses you've not lived in for decades, change (usually from foreign countries), credit cards (never any actual local currency), sandwich cards, etc.

Which is why you can now also stash stuff in your breasticles. Tjhe RackTrap is "an undetectable bra pocket." I don't know about undetectability. In fact, a lot of women seem to have exactly the opposite intention. They're actually dressing for detection. Lots and lots of detection. To foil pickpockets, you should never ostentatiously show off your valuables. Got to tell you ladies, that's probably the first thing a potential pickpocket will be checking out.

Anyhoo, the instructions for the RackTrap are very simple. First, locate your breasts. If you are unable to locate your breasts, I'm sure that any man you ask will be more than willing to help you. Second, decide which breasts is easily reached. Again, any issues, see a man for help. We're such givers. Third, tuck the RackTrap between your chest and your cup. Viola! They've even got a video. Unfortunately as someone with access to real, live chesticles usually only on a daily basis, that shirt really kept me from understanding how to use the RackTrap. Maybe another demonstration would be more helpful. Something without all that clothing to get in the way and ruin the instructional nature of the film.

The RackTrap is only $7.95. Or you can order 4. Of course they come in an even number. They always travel in pairs.

Now the RackTrap is a fine name. But you can't ever have too many good ideas, can you?

May I humbly submit:

Treasure Chest
Boobie Bank
My Cup Runneth Over
Ta Ta Travel All
RackTastic
Knocker Nook
The Tranny Cranny
Hidden Assets
Bra-llet
Winnebago Wad
ChestChange
SweaterPuppies Stash
Co Co Carryall
Guns No Show
Fun Pillows Purse
Honkers Be Hidden

I'm sure you have ideas as well, kids.

Anybody actually own one of these?

I always thought women just took the money given to them and put it in there anyway. Like in My Favorite Year when she takes the dollar bill for accordian lessons and secretes is away. You're welcome to the two of you who got that reference. Any man worth his salt would ever turn down a sweaty bill recently plucked from the midst of your undercarriage.

And a tip of the cap to Froggie for passing knowlege of this wonderful product along. Keep those stupid ideas coming!

Gonna Write Him a Letter

2009-06-29T13:45:00.003-06:00

Mid-western comic genius Tim Cavanagh has summed it up. Sure, he managed 99 Dead Baboons, I Want to Kiss Her and Montego Bay Airport (just yell out "airport" at the end of the hook), but when you got nothing, you got nothing.

Hopefully a little break from the heat and some pre-July 4th ~~booze~~ festivities will prime the pump and cause the creative juices to ejaculate from the wellspring of my mirth. Either that or Utah finally doing away with its membership requirements for bars as of July 1st.

Woo hoo! It's almost like we're becoming a real state. Keep your fingers crossed and your bail bondsman on speed dial.

Put Your Cat Clothes On

2009-06-26T10:00:00.004-06:00

Ah, those geniuses in Japan. In Tokyo, Takafumi Fukui has opened a cat cafe. Called the Cafe Cat Calico patrons are given a menu and pick any cool kitty to pet for a few bucks for an hour.

That's a bargain, because to get a pussy to sit on your lap at some places costs a lot more. And it's not for an hour, it's only one song. Which is why you should always go for Freebird.

This isn't the first time people have used pussy to make a few bucks. But the places I've heard tell about have a strictly no petting rule. You can't even touch them usually. And they're always by the airport. Who hits one of these places before their flight? How are you supposed to get your tray down from the locked and fully upright position after that?

Who hasn't wanted to do some catting around at one time or another. A little heavy petting with no cat commitment. Wham bam, thank you Fluffy. Hep cats should be leery of anyplace with cat on the menu. But that's just an urban legend for Chinese restaurants isn't it?

But cats? Come on, if you want something to pet you go for a dog. Who ever heard of a therapy cat? Personally, I don't get cats. If I wanted an emotionally detached animal around, I could call up any of the girls I used to date. Hiyo!

And Cafe Cat Calico? While the alliteration is appreciated, it sounds like the special is Kitty Pot Pie. I'd go with one of the following Mr. Fukui:

Fukui City Kitties
Fully Exposed Nipples
Pussy Paradise
Totally Nude
Bob's Cat House
Sexy Siamese (Motto: We Love You Long Time)
Lucky Lickers (Motto: Try Our Black Cats, You'll Never Go Back)
Cat Fanciers
Puss 'N Go Go Boots
Nip 'N Ass
Pole Katz
Bombay Bombshells
Burmese So Horny
Hairless Pussy
Sphynx & Swallows
Purrfect 10's

As always, feel free to play along from home kids. I'm plum tuckered out after all that creativity. Time for a cat nap for this dog lover. Have a good weekend and try to get some petting in. Try the Calico and tip your waitstaff.

Dude Looks Like a Lady

2009-06-25T12:42:00.005-06:00

If you haven't heard, it's the latest news. Chastity Bono is going to have gender re-assignment surgery. Yes, Sonny Bono & Cher's daughter is all growed up.

Now I don't know the exact medical procedure that Chaz will be undergoing for her gender re-assignment. I think it's known as an addadictomy. Hey, think of all the costume changes Mom goes through in a typical performance. This is nothing compared to that.

Named after a movie which flopped in 1069, Chastity is now going by Chaz. According to comic genius Caroline Rhea, that's because she's losing the "tity."

It could have been worse. After all Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid also released in 1969. Imagine the poor girl if they'd have named her Butch. Easy Rider also came out in '69. I'm pretty sure a girl named Easy Rider Bono would have wound up in porn. You can't make this stuff up.

But Chaz? That's the name of some prepster wearing madras shorts and carrying a polo mallet. You just want to punch someone named Chaz right in the neck. So Chaz is going to get a little help from yours truly to come up with some appropriate monikers.

So I humbly submit the following for your consideration:

* Babe (as in Ruth, not Didrickson)

* Dick (really too obvious)

* Share

* Tramp (or even Gypsy)

* Un-Sonny

* Breed (not a Half-breed though)

* Thyme (because she can't be turned back)

* Woody (short for Silkwood)

* Jesse (middle name James of course)

* Unexplainable Gay Fan Base

That's all I got kids. Feel free to play along at home. Hey, you try doing something with Mermaids, Moonstruck or Mask!

Papa Was a Rolling Stone

2009-06-21T12:31:00.003-06:00

Wish I were as funny as the cats over at someecards.

Pop, hope you're not out golfing in the rain like all the other fools in New York.

Bat Out of Hell

2009-06-18T10:22:00.003-06:00

I know this will be hard for you kids to believe. Barry Bonds and his second wife, Liz Watson, are getting a divorce. For those keeping score, she filed. I know! These two crazy kids made it for almost 10 years. And if these two star-crossed lovers can't make it, what chance do any of us have?

Luckily, this reporter has a deep cover, double top secret insider mole in the Los Angeles County Superior Court. As far as you know. While California is a No Fault Divorce state ("no fault" is a legal term meaning it's the other one's fault), Lucky Liz's Petition for Divorce sheds quite a bit of light on the couple's relationship.

And you don't have to pour all over the legalese, because here are the Top Ten Reasons Barry Bonds is Getting Divorced.

10) Backne

9) Bobby Bonilla won't get off the couch

8) Bobby's irrational anger when fat burner supplement failed to lose head fat

7) 'Roid rage whenever Barry misses "his stories"

6) Barry refuses to enter any room in the house before public address announcer introduces him

5) Since alleged steroid use, Barry isn't exactly swinging a big bat (if you know what I mean)

4) Will Rogers never met Barry Bonds

3) Pine tar all over the bathroom

2) There is no I in team, but there is in dick.

1) Since retirement, he's around all the time

The good news? He's going to be single again ladies. And probably needing conjugal visits when that alleged perjury case finally goes to trial.

Kung Fu Fighting

2009-06-12T10:31:00.004-06:00

Reason # 214 to Love Utah

We got Ninjas!

This is even better than being able to Ask a Ninja. Because you can hire this Ninja to do stuff for you.

Check it out if you don't believe me.

Why do I have the feeling that this kid has been into Mom's Fenphedra pills? Do you think he knows the Shadow Hare? Or maybe Napoleon Dynamite?

Best part of the advert?

"I do take this very seriously and do not like people calling to make fun of it, please call only if you are serious about my services for any work."

Gosh, I can't imagine why anyone would call to make fun of a Ninja. Even if the number was right there on the ad and was 801-576-0965 or 801-503-5642 for Jon's cell.

Now I've gotta go. Because I want to see a Ninja dressed all in black mow my lawn in the hot desert sun.

Stray Cat Strut

2009-06-04T10:00:00.003-06:00

A tip 'o the proverbial cap to [F]oxymoron who brought this to my attention.

There's a new drink coming to market. Sure, you've got your energy drinks, your sports drinks, you malt beverage drinks.

But now you've got Pussy.

That's right. A drink called Pussy. [F]oxy must have a better recurring internet search set up than me, because I get completely different stuff for that term.

From their web site: (along with my snarky comments)

Pussy is unique. Really, Pussy is unique? I thought it was all pink on the....well, nevermind.

Pussy is spontaneous, entertaining, optimistic and fun. It’s a starting point. Noooo, it's really kind of the ending point.

Pussy starts conversations. Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many times someone wants to talk to you when they see you have a Pussy in your hands.

It believes in having a good time as often as possible. But probably just once and then rolls over and falls quickly asleep despite all that talk about "as often as possible."

Pussy is Jonnie Shearer’s vision. He set up from his bedroom at 21 and launched in June 2004. We're sure you can understand that once you get some Pussy in your bedroom, it's going to take a few years for you to come out again. And it's good to see that Pussy is over 21. No one wants any trouble here. Right, Jerry Lee?

I'm assuming that Pussy comes in a bottle. Because you wouldn't want anyone to get all confused if it came in a can. Right, Kobe?

Wouldn't you have have liked to have been at the brainstorming session where Jonnie came up with the name Pussy? I mean, just think about the names that were rejected. And you knew we'd eventually get here, didn't you?

Cootchie Cola
Dr. Snapper
Muffin Dew
Pepsi Poon
Faygo Fish Taco (only available in the Midwest of course)
Vernor's Very Berry Vulva
Canada Not So Dry
R.C. Cooter
Honey Pot Hawaiian Punch
Orangina-vagina
Schwepp's Sideway Sloppy Joe
Sunkist Slit
Virgil's Vajayjay Root Beer
Red Bush (for extra energy)
Kool-Aid Kookie
Coca Cola Cameltoe

I'm sure there are others, kids. Feel free to play along at home. And thank goodness for the Urban Dictionary. I learned so many slang terms today.

Basketball Jones

2009-06-01T09:53:00.002-06:00

Mike Polk, the same genius who brought you the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism videos, was actually asked by Inside the NBA to give them the same treatment.

It's turrible, Sir Charles.

(and about 2:00 in if you can't stand the chit chat before the real stuff. Kind of like I am before the real game starts)

I just hope Mike gives the same treatment to the NHL on NBC.

Working for the Weekend

2009-05-29T10:02:00.004-06:00

Yeah, just try to get that out of your head for the next two days. Seriously, I can only last about 30 seconds in that song if I'm not in the mood for it. Why is that?

I know you're still feeling depressed from all the yardwork you didn't do last weekend and all the meat and beverages you consumed. Don't worry. You've got 48 hours to try to atone for your sloth last weekend.

So what do you do? Well, I'd start with a very special episode of Blossom. That's right. Mayim Bialik better known as Blossom is going to be on What Not to Wear. Wonder if they can time travel so they can repair her wardrobe from 20 years ago?

I don't remember when all those 80's sitcoms started to do the Very Special Episodes. It's like they all just decided, "Hey, shouldn't we be shoving some kind of life lesson down our young viewers throats?" That made all the money the tv types were spending on coke seem much less evil to themselves.

Just off the top of my head the Very Special Episodes I can remember are:

child molestation on Diff'rent Strokes
alcoholism on Family Ties (a two parter with Tom Hanks no less)
sexual assault on Facts of Life
Alyssa Milano finally hitting puberty on Who's the Boss

Nothing says 22 minutes of comedy like molestation, alcoholism and assault. Boring educational value added to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program. That's why they just started to use the old Wheel of Morality with the Animaniacs.

I'm sure there are more Very Special Episodes. But those are enough of an appetite suppressant for me. Anybody remember any others? Best Week Ever does a lot better job of this than I could anyway.

To work off all that mindless tv, go get some exercise. Luckily for the Wife and I, were going to participate in an Organized Pet Activity this weekend. I know. We're going to Strut our Mutt. Well, mutts. I wonder what the over and under for chaos is at the event.

I'm figuring there's a chance for:

dog fight
poop incident
leash break and/or escape
refusal to Strut
barking, jumping, peeing on strangers (both hounds are a triple threat)

And organized dog activities? It's probably only a matter of time before we're screaming at a hotel manager about a lost Busy Bee.

Luckily, after organized dog walking, there's NHL Finals on both Saturday and Sunday. Bless you NBC for moving the games up. Just hope the results are a repeat of last year.

Enjoy the weekend, kids.

Year of the Cat

2009-05-28T10:43:00.005-06:00

Man, I don't know what's been going on around here. That's probably because everything is hazy from all that meat and lack of sleep.

You can only take so many of those late night attorney recruitment tv adverts for the "working men" who were lucky enough to get mesothelioma or black lung or a slip and fall one of those other lucrative yet medically difficult to disprove diseases.

But when I heard about Flying Kitties, panic ensued.

I'm still terrified of the Flying Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. And that was when I was eight.

Once there are tabbies taking to the wild blue yonder, the Animal Conspiracy will be in full swing. Those recon squirrels will seem like a long lost brother when the animals have air superiority thanks to their platoons of Sky Kitties. And will a squad of Siamese cats, yell "Purra Purra Purra" when they dive bomb us?

At least they'll be less bird poop on cars.

Now I gotta go start planting some catnip. It's our only defense.

Shining Star

2009-05-27T10:07:00.000-06:00

Whew, I may still be all loagy from all that meat. But it's a good kind of loagy.

Which is probably a bit different from this guy's loagy. Over in England, Tony Alleyne has been converting his apartment into the deck of the Enterprise. No, not the Space Shuttle Enterprise. The Starship Enterprise.

See after Tony got divorced, he began his "therapeutic hobby" of converting his apartment into a fictional piece of a fictional ship. And his ex-wife still owns the apartment. I know what you're thinking. First, he's available, ladies! Second, that's got to cut down on your re-sale value. Even if you can just beam your garbage down to the bin instead of taking it out.

I'm sure once you can get Tony to put down his netbooks reader that he pretends is a tri-corder and his kitty that he's named Tribble, Tony is a very nice guy. Just ask him, because it's the quote of the story:

"I have given up absolutely everything. Some people might think I'm a bit of a sad individual but I'm not. I'm just really into Star Trek - it's really my only vice in life.”

Trek as his only vice. Well, that and the chronic masturbation of course.

Now I'll confess to enjoying Star Trek. The Wrath of Khan is one of the more entertaining movies I've seen. If it's on cable, I'll get sucked in. Once you get past Shatner's scene chewing (at 1:50 into the clip) of course. Which may even be outdone by Ricardo Montalban's prosthetic chest.

To this day I have to resist the urge to yell "Khaaaaaaannnnn!" at the top of my lungs whenever I'm at the DMV.

And I'll eventually get to the new flick.

But the Wife is skeptical at best about all things Trek. But once she sees how the basement is finished to look like the transporter room, I'm sure she'll come around.

We Got the Meat?

2009-05-22T12:52:00.005-06:00

(with apologies to the GoGo's)

There's something wrong with me. Something very, very wrong. No, not my fascination with boobies and stupid stuff. That's normal. Normal, I tell you.

It happens when I go to the butcher store.

This is an Occasion. Note the cap O. Because the real, live butcher store is across town. So it's a planned event. And because it's not an everyday happening like just stopping by the Sprawl-Mart or Try-N-Save, it somehow seems special.

Special in being able to ask a white-apron-bedecked man questions about his meat. Yes, that just sounds dirty. It's not, you pre-verts.

And because this weekend is a good one (extra days for grilling, smoking, beer-drinking, back porch philosophizing), we'll be doing some extra meating around these here parts.

Here's what is currently on tap:

Pork Shoulder (currently cooking in the Crock Pot 'O Doom with about a cup of apple cider and some sea salt; it's just for tonight--no biggie)
Beer Can Chicken (two of these bad boys will go in the Big Green Egg for some smoking)
Porterhouse Steaks (these will get grilled on the regular ole propane grill. Probably on Sunday as they're currently marinating in some red wine with whole peppercorns and Italian seasoning)
Baby Back Ribs (one rack currently rubbed with some of Billy Bones rub; the other is marinating in some teriyaki. Both will get smoked for a few hours, wrapped in foil and then finished on the propane grill)
Lamb Shanks (these look like lil baby t-bone steaks. I love grilled lamb. These are small so may either get thrown on the smoker in some stray space and used as an appetizer or grilled by there own selves. Currently in the same marinade as the Porties)
Sun-Dried Tomato & Chicken Sausage (these will get smoked on the Egg. I cram them in where there's room and then use the snausage in a pasta sauce during the week. Or maybe I sneak one when I'm outside with a stick and beer while I "supervise" the outdoor cooking demonstration)
Bratwurst (same as the chicken snausage above)

See what I mean about a problem? There's no way all this gets cooked and eaten this weekend. And we'll have to run the dogs in the morning or they'll smell all that meat cooking and turn on me and start gnawing on my face when they figure out it's not for them.

Oh, and the only side I've got done is some pasta salad already chilling in the fridge. There's also some random talk of either baked or twice-baked spuds. Maybe a fruit salad if I'm feeling saucy.

But you've got to admit. Too much meat is a good problem to have.

What are you up to this weekend? Whatever it is, hope ya'll have a good Memorial Day, kids.

Double Shot (of My Baby's Love)

2009-05-21T09:13:00.001-06:00

Viva la revolucion! We have prevailed! Well not we, per se, as I was off being a slackass in San Diego when all this was going on. But you get the point. Or maybe you don't. Let's start at the beginning. Yes, I know, a very good place to start. Shut it.

Some women in England were complaining that Marks & Spencer had been charging higher prices for bras that were bigger.

I know! How long has this been going on? Except maybe at Target or Land's End or any other store in the world that gouges you 2$ for the XXL size that lets you feel skinny again.

Anyway, Marks & Spencer was charging an extra $3 for any bra that was size DD or larger. So some full-figured gals started a group called Busts 4 Justice on Facebook. I'm sure a group of large-breasted women had a lot of trouble making some friends or getting any attention on the internet. Why I just did a Google search on the internet for big breasts, and I couldn't find anything.

Anyhoo, Marks & Spencer couldn't stand all the hullaballoo and scrutiny and Facebooking and free public relations, so they caved in and big breasted women can now get their bras at the same price as non-big breasted women. You can have my big bra when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. That's still second base unless a lot has changed since I was younger. And it has.

Quote of the story: "They didn't want a lot of big-breasted women storming their meeting."

Yeah, I think we can all agree that Mssrs. Marks & Spencer would have hated that. "Quick, big-breasted women are attempting to storm our meeting. Bar the doors! We don't want to let any big-breasted women in here."

It's just good to see that big-breasted women are taking this important step forward. Because women with big breasts have been oppressed for so long. Never being able to get parts in movies or get men to pay attention to them or get out of a traffic ticket. I'm sure all the small-breasted women are just as excited that big-breasted women are finally getting their equal treatment.

Now I've got to get to my Cleavacious sales presentation for Mr. Marks and Mr. Spencer.

If I Could Talk to the Animals

2009-05-20T09:26:00.007-06:00

Still basking in the afterglow of Diego. So nice, so warm, so beachy. I may just have to turn on the sprinklers and enjoy the spray of secondary use water on my face to recall strolling along the beach.

And for the oddly curious, no, we didn't not purchase any travel insurance or even any travel insurance online. We have in the past but didn't this time as it was just a short trip. But then you're talking about people who got married in Jamaica during hurricane season. So we're the type of peeps who like to live on the edge.

Pix are up btw. Loading took a seriously long time. Still not organized well, but they're all there in one shape or another. I need to pull some highlights methinks.

If anyone knows of a better pix service, let me know. I've maxed out Flickr and am too lame to pay for more storage. That's why junk is up at My Picturetown which I'd never even heard of before the Wife scored the new Nikon. Which is supposed to be hers, but I have to take all the pix and do all the uploading and learn how to use. Just in case anyone ever wondered who the brains of the operations was.

Like The Man In the Pink Pants:

Sure that name isn't real creative, but what do you see?

Yes, there's a lot going on there. And that's right from the balcony. It's kind of cool to be able to just sit on the patio and watch the show stroll buy. It was like my own little version of Mulberry Street.

Don't miss out on the purse/carryall and the shades. And the apparently completly random standing in the street. Just waiting. For something. Which never came.

And Our "Pantsy:"

We're not sure why he didn't roll up those pants. Too cool? Can't be bothered? Too time consuming?

And it's probably not too surprising that both of these individuals were suspiciously elsewhere when the cops showed.

There was also a crazy lady who would periodically get into an argument with her shoe. Seriously, she'd take it off, set it on the sidewalk and start yelling at it. But I thought pix of that was just a bit too much even for me.

Just in case you think I only took pix of scary stuff in SD, here's a lil bon motte for you.

But who needs a Panda when you've got the same shot in your backyard anytime you want it?

Which one looks more mischevious though?

And don't worry, someone's probably cranky about having to pick up that Panda poo as well. It's not all sunshine and rainbows at the Zoo. They won't let you pet the lioness not matter how nicely you ask.

And that Panda poo is quite a load. Don't just take my word for it.

Beach Bound

2009-05-18T13:12:00.005-06:00

Well, we're back. A week in Paradise. Those poor people. No, I'm not talking about having to endure the Padres. It's that same, boring, terrible, perfect weather every day. 72 and sunny. How does the weatherman keep from blowing his brains out?

Hit the major highlights: Zoo, Wilderness Park, da beaches, nice restaurants. And what a treat just to be able to walk to good stuff instead of having to drive all over the Valley when you want to go somewhere. Pix will follow in some type of organization. They're still uploading as we speak, type, or whatever.

That's not to say there wasn't any excitement on the excursion. We did get to see a real live, beach-type bust.

These two gentlemen pulled up one afternoon while we taking a bit of a beverage break on our veranda.

Then they proceeded around the corner where we couldn't see them anymore. Rather than actually get up to see what might be going on, it was much more fun to guess what might be the reason the cops were on patrol: purse snatching, armed robbery, dope distribution, unleashed dog, failure to recycle, undertipping, smoking in public, lop-sided implant exposure, placebo ephedra pills distribution, or wave encroachment. You know the usual crime sprees in California.

But it turned out to be much, much worse.

Yup, operation of a motorized vehicle on the beach walkway. Scofflaw! The SDPD always gets their man.

Even when they've got to pursue his minibike on foot.

Way to go, men. Keeping the streets, er, boardwalks safe for old people everywhere.

What My Momma Told Me

2009-05-09T10:22:00.001-06:00

Bless you, Junior Wells.

I think I love this because it's completely inappropriate and completely true. The best of both worlds if you will. And Mom would.

Enjoy the day, Mom's everywhere.

Kiss Me Kate

2009-05-08T10:34:00.000-06:00

Man, these guys rock. They're the Silver Brazilians and I've got to thank Little Steven for introducing me.

Too bad that Kate will never appear on this blog now. Because we were so close until now.

Enjoy the weekend, kids. I'm headed out. See ya in a week or so. You're on your own for boobie jokes and boring dog stories till then.

Dr. Feelgood

2009-05-06T09:57:00.002-06:00

I have always thought Drew Carey was funny. Not just because he's overweight and from Ohio (although I'll grant you that this pre-disposes me to like him).

But if you don't think this is funny, you need to find a tall, tall building.

Ladies, would you ever go to a gynecologist named Dr. Bummer? Even if he was hopelessly optimistic?

I would have guessed he'd be a proctologist.

Fifth of Beethoven

2009-05-05T05:50:00.004-06:00

Enjoy the marketing weasel made up faux holiday driven by the liquor companies, kids.

Wish I could say it better than the geniuses at someecards. But I can't.

Cinco de Mayo (and shouldn't all our holidays just be named after the date? So much simpler) is a Mexican celebration of a battle victory over the French.

I think we can all agree that defeating the French is something to be celebrated. No one has managed to defeat them before. Good thing Germany doesn't take this approach or there would be no Mercedes Benz.

Happy

2009-05-04T11:37:00.004-06:00

I don't want to say this weekend sucked. So I won't say that. I'll just look at the glass as only half full. Of something I didn't order.

I had famdamily in town: Big Bother and his wife aka Drama Queen. I don't want to say his wife is high maintenance, but when we went to San Antonio, she fell into the Riverwalk and spent the next two days using a cane that we bought at the mall downtown. Always some drama with that mama. So we were stuck with two planned family meals. One at my parents and one at our Shaque D'Amour.

And unfortunately, we also had the Canine Good Citizen test for the Hounds from Hell. This class ran for two months and is the prep class before you can get your pooch into being a Therapy Dog. I figuring this is a good way for the G-man to chew on some old people other than my parents.

By this point, we've got the Saturday routine thing down pretty well. Some quick public mastication of pork products and then off to the dog park to run the hounds until they drop. We've found that the dogs respond to training better if they're a little fatigues. Ideally, I like Tiki to be completely unconscious. That's when he's best behaved. Well because it poured all weekend and in my old age I've grown fussy about standing in the rain and throwing a ball for someone who doesn't want to bring it back and only wants to be chased, the wee ones didn't get their accustomed 90 mins of running in. Couple that with all the top weight loss pills he got into and he had an excess of energy.

There were a total of 5 dogs taking the test. And Tiki had to go last. Now, sitting quietly isn't exactly his strong point on his best days. Chewing on his brother, chasing anything that moves and looking adorable (while being secretly evil inside) are more of his strong points. So getting to watch other dogs run around while being told to sit quietly didn't go over well with the Tiki Monster.

And I don't want to say that Tiki failed his test so much as he gave it the Puppy Paw finger. Not only wouldn't he let the test handler come near him, but he pissed in the exam room. Twice. Nicely done. This is something he hasn't done at home for at least 6 months. So it's fair to say he really not that into the test. Oh, well. We'll try again in a while.

But at least something gave me heart this weekend.

It's always great to know that one of the most beautiful women in the world absolutely sucks at something. None of us is perfect. We all have different strengths. Whether it's obedience or looking adorable or singing. This kind of thing reminds me of a scene in The Rachel Papers where Ione Skye is doing her make up while singing completely tunelessly and throwing cotton balls on the floor while the garbage basket is literally right beside her. No matter how perfect someone looks, there's going to be something about them that would drive you up the wall.

So with that introduction, I give you Denise Richards at a Cubs game.

Who doesn't know all the words to Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Wow.

Bet she doesn't like to sit quietly either.

Detroit Rock City

2009-05-02T08:49:00.001-06:00

Okay, Cleveland. Now you're just being mean.

It wasn't bad enough that the Cavs had to beat the hell out of the Pistons in the first round of the playoffs.

And I'd really be mad if anything in this weren't true.

You Don't Tug on Superman's Cape

2009-05-01T08:29:00.000-06:00

How 'bout some happy news to finish off the week, kids?
If you're in the Midwest and walking the streets of Cincinnati, never fear. Because Shadow Hare is on patrol keeping you safe.

Oh sure, he just looks like a dweeb in a black outfit. But don't be fooled. That's just his clever ploy to lure unbelieving ne'er-do-wells into a false sense of security. In actuality, he's a 21 year old man from Milford, Ohio.

Luckily, people are taking this vigilantism seriously. It's not like the local news is exploiting it for cheap publicity.

Oh, wait. They are.

In fact, it's a three part series. Hey, at least it's not news about the swine flu.

Of course, Shadow Hare has a secret identity. That's to protect his family members from the schemes of an Evil Genius. And to keep people from hassling him in their basement.

According to Mr. Hare, he's part of a nationwide network of superheroes known as the Allegiance of Heroes. Best headline? From Topless Robot: Allegiance of Heroes Fights Crime, Dignity.

A hare? Are you kidding me? Who's afraid of a bunny? That's not going to strike fear into the hearts of evil doers. And even though they are a suspicious and cowardly lot, your Bunny Signal isn't going to cut it.

For a crime fighter in Cincy, may I suggest the following:

Chili Man (he's famous, but only in the Midwest)
The Queen (it is the Queen City after all)
Red Man (not the tobacco, just his socks for the baseball team)
Marvin Lewis (hey, he's been fighting crime against his football team for quite some time)
Proctor & Gamble Boy (it's their corporate hq)
Carew Tower Titan
Dr. Johnny Fever
Krogerman (another corp hq)

I'm sure you may have others. Feel free to play along at home.

And it's not like crime fighting is without it's risks. According to Shadow Hare, he once dislocated his shoulder when foiling an attack on a woman. And I'm guessing he also got kicked in the nuts when he asked for the woman's phone number.

We kid because we care, Shadow Hare. God speed. With great power comes great responsibility. And at 5 feet 7 inches tall, you're going to have a lot of responsibility. Hope you can run fast.

Rockin’ Pneumonia And The Boogie-Woogie Flu

2009-04-29T08:31:00.000-06:00

Is anyone else tired of hearing about Swine Flu?

I'm still pissy about having to do a bunch of work on SARS communication plans at one of my prior jobs. What a complete waste of time? Guess what, kids? People get sick and get the flu all the time. And because the media doesn't understand science, they use fearmongering and panic to get you to watch the news.

Guess the headline "Thousand Die From Regular Flu Anyway" isn't quite as eye catching.

Did we say 150 people died from Swine Flu? We meant 7. Thanks World Health Organization. You're better off getting your medical advice from Pete Townsend. Just don't let him borrow your computer. It might at least be a little entertaining had we not already done this before.

I wish I could say it as well as Drew, the guy from Fark:

Here's why you shouldn't panic:

- The Mexican Government estimates that 86 people (or more) have died from Swine Flu. Okay, that's tragic. But why the hell are we taking their numbers at face value? For starters, if you read the fine print the death numbers being tossed around are estimates. There are 18 confirmed deaths so far. Which ain't awesome, but it's a damn sight better than a hundred.

- In quite a few articles I've read, I've seen statements to the effect of researchers aren't sure why the cases in the US and Canada appear to be milder than the ones in Mexico and none have resulted in death. I know we'd all like to pretend that Mexico has its act together, but last time I checked Mexico was a third world country with third world healthcare. Do the math.

- Speaking of no one having died in the US and Canada, not only has no one in a first world country died from Swine Flu yet, but so far no one's even rumored to be in danger of dying. And most of the confirmed cases got better on their own after a few days at home. EVERYBODY PANIC

- It is no doubt a source of great disappointment to MSM that they can't add that Swine Flu is "drug resistant" or "there's no known cure". Because it's neither, it responds to Tamiflu and other treatments. Yes, I realize there are distribution hurdles in the event of a huge outbreak, but currently it's not an issue and I don't expect it will become one.

PS: if anyone is offended by my portrayal of the Mexican Government and their suckasstic healthcare system as a bunch of 3rd world incompetent boobs, which they are, you'll get over it.

You won't see this discussion in MSM because, as humans, we're primed to act on fear. It's human nature. MSM is a reflection of what people are reacting to, not a reflection of what's actually going on in the world. People click the hell out of fearmongering articles, so MSM keeps running them. That, and no MSM outlet wants to be the guys who "didn't see it coming". Buncha pansies.

The problem with making fun of MSM pandemic reporting is that eventually there's going to be a pandemic. You don't have to be Nostradamus to make that call, it's as likely as War, Famine, Taxes, and me drinking beer after dinner (or during). So, although I put myself at risk of contracting "Long Term Idiot Stigma" by saying it, let me be the first to tell you this ain't the big one.

Don't Panic.

Frankly, until this starts to impact bacon production or the basketball playoffs, I'm just going to ignore it.

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me

2009-04-25T10:48:00.000-06:00

Just think. In a few short hours, the Detroit Lions will ruin a young man's life.

Somewhere Joey Harrington is still in a fetal position rocking back and forth and whispering "The horror, the horror."

If only the Onion didn't hit it right on the head.

Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf

But then they could have pretty much gone with any Lions quarterback since Erik Kramer for this joke. And just off the top of my head that list includes: Andre Ware, Chuck Long, the previously mentioned My Pal Joey, Scott Mitchell, Rodney Peete. I'm sure there are others.

But seriously, kids. If you're sitting around today and find yourself watching the draft, you may need a support group. Or at the very least two dogs who want to go outside and run around until they're about to drop. And then run around for at least a half hour more. Give me a call, I'll let you have them for a few hours. Think of them as an exercise machine with fur.

This Land is My Land

2009-04-24T10:10:00.003-06:00

Okay, first of all, I'm allowed to make fun of Ohio because I was born there. As my crazy cousin puts it, Ohio is a great place to grow up then get the hell out."

And this video for Cleveland is in no way inspired by the Cavaliers absolutely kicking the hell out of the Pistons in the playoffs this year. That Billups for Iverson trade certainly worked out for everyone involved. Enjoy your trophy, Lebron. I'm rooting for you a lot more than I am for Kobe. But then I guess I have a bit of a problem with rapists going free. I haven't forgotten, Kobe, even if Laker fans have. Hey, I may bring a pair of women's panties to Sunday's game and try to throw them on the court when you get introduced.

Okay, enough of my Kobe rant. Back to Cleveland, kids. Book your plane tix now.

There really is a lot to do in Cleveland. The Tribe, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and chicken wing places. Or the tour of the Christmas Story home.

But I'm still laughing my ass off at this vid.

Shake Rattle and Roll

2009-04-23T09:18:00.004-06:00

If you're lucky enough to be near Chicago today, hope you're having fun. Because it's Talk Like Shakespeare Day. I'm sure this won't get old at all. Just like Talking Like a Pirate.

I know, it always sneaks up on you. Barely time enough to buy all the presents and get the tree up. Make sure you take the time out to take the kids to the parade and sit on Bill's lap. Some traditions have to endure. Just like the Dude.

Luckily, Chicago has everything else taken care of so they can go ahead and focus on Sweet William's words of wisdom. Which probably means that the Bleacher Creatures will be chanting "Thou Sucketh" to the opposing team at Wrigley.

Granted most everyone knows about Shakespeare is what they learned from the musical Hamlet episode of Gilligan's Island or Atomic Shakespeare on Moonlighting. But some of us were lucky enough to get the Bard shoved down our throats quite a bit. That only sounds dirty. But it comes in handy all the time.

Can you imagine anything more romantic than getting down on a knee, pulling out one of those flashy engagement rings and using a couplet or three to propose to your prospective proposee?

Canst thou seeth love in my life
If thou consent to be my wife?
If problems come, twill not matter
Ere we stay in iambic pentameter.

I'm telling you guys, Niagra Falls. And the Canadian side, where it looks bigger.

So when someone cuts you off today on the Dan Ryan, don't give them the finger. Simply roll down the window and give them a Shakespearean Insult:

"Thou ungrateful Turk! Thou whey faced loon!"

Enjoy the day, kids.

Hope you're not one of those ancillary characters who gets stuck with all the exposition.

Viva Las Vegas

2009-04-22T09:10:00.004-06:00

Let's get one thing out of the way at the start. Curse you Viagra. Thanks for taking the only song Elvis ever wrote and turning it into an erectile dysfunction commercial. Eff you, strong letter to follow. Now I can't ever hear Viva Las Vegas without immediately getting a mental image of your hipster doofus band jam of fallow tallywackers sitting around singing about their junk. And how it doesn't work without a pill. Ah, spontaneous romance through better chemistry.

And while I greatly appreciate [F]oxymoron's comment that live blogging whilst gambling would make for great reading,

that would simply have taken more industry, technology and sobriety of which I was able.

Instead, I present to you inane and insightful (sometimes both at the same time) ramblings scribbled upon cocktail napkins, betting slips and those cards for the women they try to force on you as you roam The Strip.

-- I'm playing a little game I call Douchebag and Hoor. See if you can find this couple in your town!

-- The Imperial Palace is really showing it's age. And that's just the cocktail waitresses! Hiyo. I'm here all week. No wait, just for another two days.

-- $6 for a bottle of Miller Lite!? Steve Wynn can lick my taint. If I have to pay minibar prices at the main bar, I'm going to drink in my underwear just like if I was in my overpriced Encore room.

-- If you're a celebrity impersonator and you actually have to wear a name tag telling people which celebrity you're supposed to be, you might want to work on your card dealing skills.

-- 4 Sixes! WooT!

-- There is no way the Utah Spazz stay within 12 points of the Lakers.

-- Why does Mac King have Monday off? Now I have to drink and keep gambling. Damn.

-- The Star Trek slot machine did not boldly go where no man had gone before. It did, however, beam up $20 much too quickly.

-- A scroungy looking guy came up to me and asked for money for a bus ticket. I asked how I could know he wouldn't just take $20 and go gamble with it. His answer? "Oh, I got gambling money."

-- Drinking your way down the strip is a good way to lose weight.

-- Lakers 113, Spazz 100. Thank you for the $, Kobe.

-- I just bought the Wife a monkey. He looks housebroken.

-- $10 to look at Ferrari parts? No wonder, Wynn is loaded. Good money if you can make it I guess.

-- Why is the stupid horse racing game only at the MGM grand? Even more depressing, I'm good at it.

-- I'm a sucker for long shots? 200 to 1? I'm in for a buck.

-- Nine a.m. is not too early for a hot dog. A real Vienna hot dog at that.

-- Damn. I'm going to miss Brittney's concert. Well, I'm not really going to miss it.

-- Three shrimp is really not enough for an appetizer, Emeril. Is it bad form to order 4 of these at a time?

-- I used to T.A. a stat class for God's sakes. Why can't I win any money at craps today?

-- It's really sad that all the money I won was playing the Star Wars penny slot machine. Even more depressing is that the Japanese tour group had gathered around to watch me destroy the Death Star. Yes, the Force is strong with this one.

-- $300 bucks in pennies would be pretty funny to carry around. In a wheelbarrow up and down the Strip.

-- The Tequila Goddess should really be able to summon tequila from her nipples. Just saying.

-- If there's anything funnier than sneaking into the midst of a Japanese tourist group and doing your Godzilla impression, I don't know what it is. Why don't they stampede like in the movies?

-- Is this pool warm from the oppressive sun or the swim up black jack table?

-- I'm up at 4:00 am because I woke up. Those people at the bar are up at 4:00 am because they're still up.

-- There's a guy asleep in the hall in front of the door next to mine. And he's wearing a sports coat. Stay classy, Vegas!

-- This drive home is a lot longer than the drive down. Luckily thinking about all this bootleg liquor bought in Nevada and avoiding the oppressive Utah tax code makes it a happy drive.

That's it, kids. I'm out of cocktail napkins. Happy Earth Day!

Ramblin' Gamblin' Man

2009-04-19T07:06:00.000-06:00

It's Vegas, baby. Yes, my crazy cousin and I are meeting up in Sin City for a few days.

To make sure we can stand each other, he's taking golf lessons while I'm lounging at the pool.

And hopefully not the swim up black jack tables. Watch those guys playing some time. Notice how they never take a break. Ewww. Guess that explains why the water is so warm.

I'll probably just take all my money and put in on the Lions to win the Super Bowl. That's sure to be some long odds. Which also aren't long enough no matter how high they are.

The key to gambling in Vegas is to take Lewis Black's advice. Get a roll of quarters and go up to your hotel room. Open the quarters and start flushing them one at a time down your toilet. When it finally backs up, you're a winner.

Personally, I like to either imitate Vegas Vic's arm motion while yelling "Lose your money here" immediately upon entering a casino. That or yell "Listen to all those winners." But since they've replaced the coins with slips of paper, casinos don't have the same auditory ambiance that they used to.

Now pity me the 5 hour drive across the Utah desert. At least we're done with the snow for now. But I'm still taking my scraper.

Later, kids.

Time Won't Let Me

2009-04-18T07:21:00.001-06:00

Don't take my word for it. He's really funny.

Someone is probably stealing that weatherman story right now.

Buy it already. Please note, I'm not Bill Scheft in my real life. I just think we need to support the artists who put out good stuff. Which isn't too many last time I checked.

She's Having My Baby

2009-04-17T07:59:00.001-06:00

A real life True Tale of Adventures in Suburbia as we were leaving the house last night to walk the hounds.

Neighbor: Hi, guys! How are the dogs?

Wife: Great. You look good. When's the baby due?

Neighbor: Three months ago.

Me: Bwahahah!

Anything By Three Dog Night

2009-04-16T07:46:00.000-06:00

I wish I could take credit for this. I said it while at the dog park on Sunday. But I didn't have the industriousness to turn it into something I could post here. Until now.

My biggest worry is that now that we have Canine One, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies. And then in 6 months, we'll have a run on Portie Puppies at the shelter.

Kids, think long and hard before deciding you need to be just like the Obamaman. We've got one you could borrow most weekends. Especially if you need an alarm clock that goes off at 5:30 most mornings and has no snooze button.

Besides, the Wife thinks the Tiki Monster is cuter than Media Distraction One anyway.

That's him being Lord of All He Surveys down at the day care.

Read Me My Rights

2009-04-15T10:19:00.004-06:00

Ah, what an auspicious day. Tax day and more. But the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't convene every year to try to make death worse.

Lest, I get off on a rant here, on to the real business.

Reason #583 to Lurve Utah:

Our Literary Readings

That's right today you can take in two of our esteemed authors.

First up, Dooce is at The King's English to read from her book, It Sucked and Then I Cried. It's at 7:00 tonight so you'd better hurry.

Second, and by no means secondary, Marie Osmond will be signing her new book Might As Well Laugh About it Now at Deseret Book on the 17th.

Can you guess which author I want to see most? Which I want to boo most?

That's right. Both. In Heather's case, it's just professional jealousy. In Marie's just envy of her dancing skillz.

Go read something good instead, kids.

Breakfast In America

2009-04-13T08:41:00.004-06:00

I love going out to breakfast. It probably stems from my inability to time everything required for an in home breakfast to come out in anything other than a successive wave of food. Toast, eggs, potatoes at the same time? Forget about it. That's beyond my culinary skillz.

And I love going out for breaky despite our long running national battle with The Bacon Shortage. I mean, there must be a shortage. How else can you explain only getting 2 pieces of bacon at a time? We're rationing.

And Easter breakfast is especially good.

Because I get to use my favorite joke of the year when the waitress asks me how I want my eggs:

"Easter. And can you hide them from me?"

Even better, this never gets anything other than a confused look from her. It's like a law. A powerful federal law. Not one of those wimpy little state laws.

Now I've got to finish my omelet before I go get another one.

You Spin Me Round

2009-04-11T10:36:00.001-06:00

If you hadn't heard, Marvel is now streaming the old Spiderman cartoons.

If you don't remember it (because it's almost as old as me) it's below. Unless that code is being wonky again, in which case go here to refresh your recollection.

The best part of this is that Canadian comedian (known officially as a Canedian) Greg Morton had just done a new song on the Bob & Tom show to this same tune. You may already know Greg from his entire encapsulation of Star Wars.

To to the tune of Spiderman (or Spiderpig if you follow the Simpsons) here it be:

Octomom
Octomom
Biologically, something's wrong
Has six kids, wants 8 more
She's a narcissistic, greedy whore
Look out!
Here comes the Octomom

Dr. Phil
Dr. Phil
Please prescribe her a wake up pill
How can she possibly
Feed those kids
And go pee?
Hey there!
There goes the Octomom

It was in the news
She has no job
And no spouse
But with interviews
She can buy
A new house

Octomom
Octomom
She thinks babies
Are Pokemon
Moved to my neighborhood
Privacy, gone for good
Hey there!
There goes the Octomom.
Hey there
She's Nadya Sulemaaaaaannnnnnnnn

Now I've got to put on a cape and hop around on the couch like I have super powers.

Wooly Bully

2009-04-10T07:48:00.003-06:00

Well thanks to the commies in North Carolina, we're going to be forced to sell the Great Lakes to Canada. If only MSU had won the ball game. Oh, well. I'm sure we'll all soon get used to drinking our own urine out of the recyclers soon.

How bad is it in Michigan now? Well, we're arguing about Bull Mastiff sperm. In divorce court of course.

It's true. In Oakland County (that's the ritzy suburb outside of Detroit) a couple is arguing over who owns the sperm of their three dogs Cyrus, Reg and Romeo. Go figure Romeo is a lover and not a fighter.

So when you think maybe your job really sucks this weekend. Just remember that you could be harvesting Bull Mastiff semen in Michigan.

Man, and my dogs follow me all over the house now. Isn't the dog supposed to be man's best friend? But that probably is one way to get your dog to finally quiet down and take a nap. Hope they don't let those Big Sweeties smoke afterward.

I'll spare you any lame jokes about divorce cases being a real dog fight. You're welcome.

Have a good weekend, kids.

All I Want is Everything

2009-04-09T09:30:00.006-06:00

I love when you get ridiculous "scientific studies" from some agency that's completely in the pocket of whomever is paying for the study. Like commercials that make claims that 85% of all people sleep poorly because of their mattress. And then at the very end they sneak a quick scroll saying "This study brought to you by The Mattress Institute."

But I've been giving advice (mostly bad and mostly for women) for years now. And still haven't been sued. Knock wood. And I've been advocating giving the shiny stuff to your squeeze for years now.

So when I see that a site that sell jewelry has Tips For Guys, I'm a little skeptical. If you don't know what kind of necklace to get for your sweetie, what do you think a jewelry site is going to tell you. The bigger, the better, right?

Surprisingly, it's a real soft sell. And no, their love isn't tainted. You're welcome to the both of you that got that joke.

Realistically, you should just pick whatever jewelry you'll ultimately be handing out by color. Don't get hung up on the kind of stone. No, it isn't appropriate to use a Sharpie to make those inexpensive pearls into the black kind. Personally, that Stainless Steel Sharpie is just as handy as some earrings. What are you going to write the license plate down with when that car speeds away from the bank after robbing it? Not earrings, that's for sure.

And I like the advice on engagement rings. "Chill, dude. She's probably going to say yes." Umm, I'd like to introduce these guys to my cousin Judy. She did say yes. Until she got to the alter. Oops. The absolute closest I've ever come to being in a real life sitcom. Chill, dude, indeed.

Just remember, diamonds are forever. And so are the payments.

Flight of the Bumblebee

2009-04-08T07:14:00.000-06:00

It's finally back. I hope it's sinking in, folks. Because you've got 6 more months of annoying baseball home run highlights to put up with on SportsCenter.

Which bring us to Reason #429 to Love Utah: Minor League Baseball

Granted it's still a little brisk out here, kids.

Which is why this Friday is Bees Stocking Cap Night.

Nothing says Boys of Summer like needing to bundle up in a parka, mittens and stocking cap for the game. And those mittens make it tough to hang on to your hot dog.

Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the Thirsty Thursday promotion. But then I'm a baseball purist.

Jesus Thinks You're a Jerk

2009-04-07T07:39:00.002-06:00

I know Sweet Baby Jebus can save. But not shoot and score like the Detroit Red Wings.

And Sweet Baby Jebus can heal of course.

But I never knew he could do triage.

Now you may be wondering, "T2ed, aren't you worried about going to hell for making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus?"

First, no. I've had my front row seats in hell for a long time. And that's where all the rock and roll music is going to be. Where do you think all the rockers are going to be? Enjoy the harp music in heaven, losers.

Second, I'm not making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus. I'm making fun of the marketing sleezemonkey who is using religion to make a buck. Off knock off bandages that are probably chock full 'o Chinese lead. Because you know those bandages won't even cure your psychosomatic stigmata.

But if religious themed medical prods are going to be the next marketing weasel rage, may I humbly submit the following:

Buddha Band-Aids
Rasta Man Rubbers
Methodist of Magnesia
Cathaholics Anonymous
Latter Day Saints Latex Gloves
Jehovah's Witnesses Walker
Shintoist Shower Chair
Allah Air Purifier (smells just like Mecca!)
Pagan Pill Organizer
Taoist Thermometer
Sikh Stethoscope
Christ on a Crutch Crutches

Feel free to play along at home, kids.

Hope that was suitably offensive to everyone and no one got left out. If you've somehow managed not to be offended, there's always tomorrow.

And now I'm going to have Frank Z. stuck in my head all day.

Come Monday

2009-04-06T09:19:00.001-06:00

This is an amazing week to be a sports fan.

The final game of the Final Four is tonight. And luckily, the State of Michigan's very own Michigan State Spartans are playing in the finals.

And if you haven't been watching the games, you're letting the terrorists win.

Because the story is, no matter what is going on in the game, that Michigan State is playing for the entire State and the entire U.S. economy. And I thought they just wanted to win or something so they can get even more money and fast cars and cheerleader tail. But no, they're an inspiration and you will be inspired dammit!

How bad has it gotten in Michigan? Well they've started to steal horse hair.

In Livingston County, Michigan, some cut off the manes and tails of an "undetermined number of horses." You've got to admit that times are really, really tough when you don't even know many bald horses you own. And apparently can't even be bothered to try to count them. I'm sure these bandits won't evade the police furlong. Mr. Ed is already being sought for questioning. Hay, wait a minute. This sounds like a load of crap.

Now I don't know what kind of sick perverts live in Michigan. Actually I do. They're called cousins. But when some struggling artist type goes all Sweeney Todd on some poor equine just to be able to make some brushes, things are bad. Which is why you have to be rooting for Michigan State tonight. At least if you believe the media. Which you shouldn't.

But the other good thing about this week is that baseball starts. That's right, the Cubs are moving into their second consecutive century of finding new and creative ways to disappoint their fans.

And the Masters begins. Which is on CBS if you hadn't noticed the incessant commercials during the basketball. And some guy named Tiger is playing. Never heard of him. But if you are rooting for Tiger, you might also want to cheer for Bill Gates to make money.

So enjoy the rest of the sporting week, kids. Hockey playoffs next week. My condolences.

Anything by Pinetop Perkins

2009-04-05T11:59:00.000-06:00

What the hell is going on out there?

In Belgrade, Serbia a woman had to have a two hour surgery to remove a pine cone. From her nether regions. And the article is completely silent about whether liquor was involved. I can't imagine it wasn't.

At least it was the front yard and not the back yard as one of my friends explained.

Just a couple of rules, kids.

Don't play around down there with power tools.

Don't play around down there with anything you find in the forest.

Even if it's a really nice lumberjack.

There are plenty of specifically designed products out there for you.

And the best The Sun could do was "a tree mendous time" and "seedy shame?" Talk about mailing it in. No wonder the newspaper industry is in so much trouble.

May I submit the following nonsense to help out The Sun when the inevitable copycat incidents occur:

Woman celebrates Arbor Day Early
Planting Your Tree in a New Place
Coney Hog
A Cone in the Hand is not worth two in the Bush
Is that a pine cone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Nasty Nature Nails Nymphette
Belgrade Boffo Over Birch Buds
Craft Project Goes Horribly Wrong
I think that I shall never see a thing as sexy as a tree
Cub Fan, Bud Woman
Forest Fun Fells Frisky Female
Cootchie Catching Cone
Naughty By Nature Lover
Painful Pinecone Pentrates Prickly Pair
Teasing Tree Triggers Triage
Sexy Serbian Stuck, Now Sycamore in Surgery

I know. It's been so long since we had a list.

On the positive side, she'll no longer need an air freshener in her car for a long, long time.

Say You Say Me

2009-04-04T11:02:00.001-06:00

The Wife had a dream.

And it was an awesome dream.

There's no way it's coming true though. Espeically this weekend.

I Wonder

2009-04-03T16:06:00.000-06:00

How in the hell was I not informed of this? And it's only a day. Really, it should be a month. Maybe all Summer long just to be on the safe side.

And I didn't even have time to put up a tree this year.

I blame the Cleavacious people. They really ought to be sponsoring this kind of activity in North America for crying out loud. They'd have lots and lots of volunteers to help. Though they'd probably all be men.

This is exactly the type of holiday we need. Especially when people's spirits and the economy both need a lift.

See, you can relax. We're back to our regularly scheduled cheap boobie jokes.

So relax and enjoy National Cleavage Day. I've got to get a cheap flight to New Zealand.

Cry Me a River

2009-04-03T11:49:00.000-06:00

This kid obviously knows which school she should be rooting for this weekend.

I do the same thing whenever I hear Jim Nantz, Dick Vitale or U Conn score a basket.

Root for the good guys this weekend kids.

Juke Box Hero

2009-04-03T09:52:00.011-06:00

The response to Accordion Hero has been amazing. One whole comment from a very special reader. Who clearly needs a hobby and a more discriminating sense of humor. Hey, at least it wasn't a cheap boobie joke for a change. Who says we can't grow? Oh, Robert Reich.

Wow, cheap short jokes instead of boobie jokes. This is progress?

Now I'm going to have to finish up that St. Joseph University Online Management Certificate Program and get my act in gear. I'm definitely going to need that CAPM certificate because I'm going to have a lot of irons in the fire.

Sure that degree is typically for Engineering Managers, Construction Managers, and other various and sundry management types. But a snarky Marketing whiz with a Masters in Tonguefoolery can get one too.

And I'm going to really, really need it. Because I've got the Xbox People, the Sony Playstation 3 people and the Wii People (they're really small) locked in an auction for my next new product launch. I'm not certain what exactly it'll be, but I've narrowed it down.

- Banjo Hero
- Tuba Hero
- Kettle Drum Hero
- Xylophone Hero
- Groupie Hero
- Triangle Hero
- Harmonica Hero
- Concert Promoter Hero
- Cannon Hero (you really only work on National Holidays)
- Cello Hero
- Roadie Hero
- Trombone Hero
- Bagpipe Hero
- Record Business Weasel Hero (turns out you don't do anything actually)

They're all sure to be extremely popular.

We were also going to have an Illegal Download Hero, but the Napster people put the kibosh on that.

Keep practicing kids. There's no greater rush than finally being able to play Flight of the Bumblebee on Expert Mode on Accordion Hero.

I'm a Slave 4U

2009-04-02T07:26:00.001-06:00

Sorry about the weak Brittney Spears title kids. I'm at a loss for any music with Master in it. And I didn't think the I Dream of Jeannie theme counted.

That's what you get for picking a topic like the St. Xavier's online Master of Arts in Curriculum and Instruction to write about.

I know. I should know better. But that's why I'm up to the challenge. I'm able to make any subject into an inappropriate joke. And not just about breasticles. Yes, it's both a gift and a curse.

Now I'm not Catholic. But I do like drinking and Bingo. A great game that combines the all the excitement of the lottery with smoking and frustration.

But the MS Curriculum is legit. Not like Bagpipe Hero. As far as you know.

The online Master of Arts in Curriculum and Instruction gets you ready for continued development as a master teacher in schools or other instructional institutions. No word on whether they also give you a whip. Personally, I always thought the most important part of being a teacher was excellent peripheral vision. Key components of this program include focus on literacy, diversity, integration of technology and an interdisciplinary perspective in education.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about people ever leaving their children with me for education about the way the world really works. Because I'll do things like wander the toy aisle and look at the guns and loudly declare:

I'll bet with a gun like that I could shoot my Sister right in the eye. And if anybody tried to tell me I couldn't have a gun, I'd yell as loud and as long as I could until they finally bought it for me.

Yeah, I'm helpful like that.

Also not making a single bit of that up.

But if you don't want your urchins educated about how to win ambulance rides and influence parents, you probably shouldn't let them wander around Target alone.

And you can also thank me for when he draws a moustache on Daddy whilst he's napping.

I really thought the best part of having a kid was getting to take him or her to a baseball game and fill them to the brim with warm orange soda and cotton candy. Then when they fall asleep in the car on the way home, you get to carry them into the house while their head wobbles all over the place.

That and training them to bring you beer without shaking the bottle up. Because once they learn what shaking a beer up does to you, it's pretty much over.

Basketball Jones

2009-04-01T09:11:00.004-06:00

If you haven't been watching the NCAA tourney as obsessively as some, you might have missed this.

If you're not as up on your hoops as some, those old dudes are (from order of entrance) Mike Kryzkrychaklv;eai3jaerklaj (Coach K from Duke), Rick Pitino (from Louisville), Roy Williams (from North Carolina) and Bobby Knight (from ESPN via New Mexico and Indiana).

Now try getting that image of Bobby Knight in his underoos out of your head the rest of the day.

Me, I'm still saving my pennies for the day that Accordian Hero finally comes out for the Xbox 360 just like I predicted.

Ricky Don't Lose That Number

2009-03-29T10:25:00.002-06:00

If there's a funnier cat out there, I don't know who it is.

I'm not talking about the puppet.

And I absolutely love that cackle.

Talking in Your Sleep

2009-03-28T05:25:00.001-06:00

Man I hate it when I can't sleep.

And it's like a law that whenever I'm doing my best bed burrito, death roll crocodile impression, the Wife slumbers like a rock. A noisy, completely blissful rock.

It's only when I'm completely exhausted that really bad ideas come to mind.

Why don't I do a parody of Bob Seger's Night Moves but call it Night Poots?
Why don't I start a doggie day care?
Why don't they play basketball this late at night on tv?
Why don't we have a sleep number bed?
Why didn't I drink more last night?
Why don't they give Barack a weekly show?
Why hasn't baseball started yet?
Why don't they do a remake of Footloose? (too late)
Why ask why?
Why can't a vampire bite one of the Jonas Brothers?
Why did Barack say there are no silver bullets? Now the werewolves will be fearless.
Why do I have Big Country stuck in my head?

Now I gotta go get a nap. Which I won't be able to fall asleep for?

Two Times a Lady?

2009-03-27T17:09:00.001-06:00

This may be the future of movies.

No actors, no studios, no problem.

Now I've got to get to work on that remake of Footloose before Zac Efron comes to his senses.

Bicycle Race

2009-03-27T09:13:00.005-06:00

I hope by now you're taking the Animal Conspiracy seriously. Tim Bedore has been warning you for years.

Because now they're trying to take out our means of communications.

That's right, the animals have gone on the offensive again. This time a deer took out Matt Lauer while he was riding his bike in the Hamptons.

There are deer in the Hamptons? Probably a mole. Well not a real mole. You know. A deer spy under deep cover and just waiting for activation.

Now I've never been attacked by any animals whilst peddling my velocipede. But if that ever happens, I'd probably need one of those steam cleaners to get the stains out of my shorts.

Some people don't believe the animals are against us. Why, these naysayers say, would animals be attacking us. It's simple. They hate us. They envy our chlorinated pools, warm homes, fast cars, malt beverages and comfort-inducing iPods.

Squirrels provide the recon, bears are the tanks and deer are the kamikaze pilots of the Animal Conspiracy. Luckily the dogs are on our side. But don't trust your cats. Skip feeding them for a weekend and they'll be gnawing on your carcass come Monday.

Luckily, Matt escaped with only a separated shoulder. But don't think you're safe, Matt. You're a high profile target in the Species Wars. If they can take out you, it'll send a message to the rest of us and demoralize our morale. It's only a matter of time before they try again. So next time you go biking, lay off the spandex and try wearing some protective kevlar instead.

Be safe out there, kids. Keep you head down, your bum up and your eyes peeled. Because a squirrel probably has you under surveillance right now.

If I Had a Hammer

2009-03-26T12:23:00.006-06:00

Okay, I've gone back and forth on this one for a while now. If this is too much, I apologize in advance and throw myself upon the mercy of the interwebs.

In Maryland, a woman was injured when the power tool her husband was using on her cut through an attached marital aid. I'm already turtling from this story. I can only imagine how the women are squirming.

Okay, there's a lot going on here. So let's take it slowly. Say like just 100 rpm. Ha.

Apparently a couple had decided to spice things up a bit. With a power tool. Consensually. Wow. Okay, okay, I'm not judging. And while there's nothing in the story to indicate it, I'm willing to be that alcohol was involved prior to this decision being made.

Anyway, Bob Villa attaches the aid to a reciprocating saw (that swell tool picture up there) and begins to use it on his wife. If you've never had to use a reciprocating saw, the blade goes back and forth to cut through material. You can probably guess where he begins to use it. That's right. In the bedroom.

Unfortunately, the saw blade eventually cuts through the plastic attachment material and begins to cut his wife. I've seen a magician cut a woman in half before, but never the long way. Do you think he said "Ta Da" when he was done?

Now I've been next to some loud people having sex at a hotel, but at least they never broke out the industrial equipment. Because that kind of noise would probably not get you a free stay at hotel from the management.

But everything has a happy ending. While the injuries were serious enough that the woman had to be airlifted to a hospital for emergency surgery, she's never going to lose an argument with her husband for the rest of her life. Because when you've got the "How 'bout that time you sawed my hoo haw in half?" line in your back pocket, the garbage gets taken out without discussion.

Kids, don't use power tools on each other. No matter how good an idea it may seem at the time. Just cuddle more. It'll be better in the long run for everyone.

My Humps

2009-03-25T09:17:00.000-06:00

If you're a young lady from Huntington Beach, California and used a fake identity to get some fake breasts, police would like a word with you.

Police say a woman opened a line of credit under a false identity and then used that fake identity to get $12,000 worth of both breast implants and liposuction. Then she skipped town. That's the way it always works. They always skip town instead of just sticking with the weight loss pills and a Cleavacious. Who knew buying breasticles cost that much?

And this faux fatale (thanks, I'm here all week) didn't come back for her follow up visits. I know. Poor thing probably needs immediate follow up tlc. But really, shouldn't the doctor have had some clue. She did use the name Betty Boob after all.

Now if the police were smart, they'd be putting out a different type of mugshot. Because then pretty much every man would volunteer to be on the look out for this fugitive.

Someone with fake breasts hiding out in California? Police have narrowed it down to an estimated 7 million suspects. That's hiding in plain sight alright. They'll never find her now. Unless she lays down on her back. Then you can totally tell.

Don't mess with nature, kids. You're fine just as you are. Promise.

Lonesome Highway?

2009-03-19T14:23:00.005-06:00

There's nothing that could go wrong with this plan....

Why can't I have a flash of inspiration and invent the jillion dollar idea that will let me lounge around the house and watch basketball all day?

I think they're going to need more than some industrial knobs attached to the side of your car though. Like at least a hole in the back of the bag for all the poop you're going to scare out of your dog when he realizes he's been attached to the side of a car.

Granted, dogs love having their head out the window. I like to think that most dogs believe that they've suddenly learned how to run really, really fast.

Luckily, getting your dog into a sack is never a problem. Not like a fenderbender might be.

Quick, to the Dogmobile.

And remember, have your car spayed or neutered.

Cherry Pie

2009-03-14T08:32:00.001-06:00

Congratulations numerologists, circle aficionados and math ~~geeks~~ enthusiasts everywhere!

That's right, it's Pi Day. For the journalism majors with us, Pi = 3.14 ad infinitum, thus, it's celebrated on March 14th. Personally, I always liked it best when expressed as 22/7. What a rebel!

Pi is an irrational number which means it will continue infinitely without repeating. And talk about its feelings during sporting events. Hiyo! Kidding. Kinda.

Just because you've never used that algebra shoved down your throat during high school, that doesn't make Pi any less important. Where would you be without knowing how to calculate the ratio of a circle to its diameter. Oh, right. Exactly where you are right now.

So hurry and finish getting the tree up and wrapping your presents for Pi Day. Or maybe even write a Pi-ku. It's like a haiku, but they've apparently completely forgotten the 5-7-5 syllable requirements.

Man, I just long for the old days when Pi Day really meant something and they'd sacrifice a virgin for the crops.

Here's a much better Pi-Ku:

Pi is a number

Without ending, it goes on

Just like staff meetings

Me, I'm just going to eat some. Ala mode. Which is French for "with mode."

Once Bit, Twice Shy

2009-03-13T07:19:00.001-06:00

Our Wee One got bit at doggie day care this week.

It was like a mob hit at an Italian restaurant in New Jersey. Nobody saw nothin'.

Knowing Tiki, he probably started it.

Tiki is a tough guy though. No whining or complaining. Couldn't even tell he had a flesh wound until you put your hand on his back and came away with the CSI evidence.

Yup, that's the carnage over there. Hope nobody was having breakfast.

Luckily, it's almost square in his back so he can't reach it. This spares him from having to wear one of those collars that all the other dogs make fun of. That doesn't mean he doesn't try to get at it. That's why it looks a little red to the right of the stiches there. He's been scratching at it.

It only seems like we have to watch him 24 hours a day. In reality, it's more like 25 hours.

Unfortunately, I completely disagree with dressing up animals. Because it leads to stuff like this.

But I'll have to admit to buying a Wife Beater for the Tiki Monster. I won't let him wear it out in public, but it does perfectly cover up the stitches.

At least they made a sarcastic one.

Take It Easy

2009-03-12T07:58:00.000-06:00

If you hadn't heard, Arizona doesn't have a state motto. I know!

As a former Wildcat, I'm astonished. Especially since I know all sorts of worthless Arizona facts. Like it became a state on February 14th at the same time as New Mexico. Yup, Arizona was #49.

While doing research for a school report, California 5th grader Tori Smith discovered that Arizona had never officially adopted The Grand Canyon State as it's motto. Bet a bunch of prisoners are pretty pissed off about all the extra work they've been doing.

Luckily, Arizona lawmaker Sam Crump stepped up to the plate. As he put it, "If we don't, Las Vegas is likely to steal it." Ummm, yeah. Guess geography isn't really a requirement to be an Arizona State Representative. Guess I missed when Las Vegas became a state.

Anyway, Grand Canyon State? Seriously. That's the best you can do?

Enough fooling around. Let's get to the list.

Top Ten Rejected Arizona State Mottoes

10) Don't hold John McCain against us
9) We have Spring Training if you're tired of the fast-paced play of regular baseball
8) Land of Aaaahhhz
7) Sure it's 115, but it's a dry heat
6) Arizona: We like Nevada on top
5) Charles Barkley got the best oral sex of his life here. So we'll see you this weekend.
4) I'm going back to 'Zona
3) Even we forgot we had a football team
2) Old people come here to die
1) Damn, that's a big canyon!

I'd like to point out the restraint I showed in not including "Most skin cancer is treatable" and "The scorpion is the state bird" in that. Restraint doesn't happen very often around here. Unless you're counting the fuzzy handcuffs.

Anyway, when Land of Aaaahhhz get stolen, I'm going to want a check from somebody.

Addicted to Love

2009-03-11T13:12:00.005-06:00

Woo hoo!

Reason #246 to Lurve Utah

We're #1 in online porn!

How much do we like online porn? Even our National Parks are dirty.

Who'da thunk it? It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? Yup, this reddest of red states is chock full of the filthiest minds in the country. And probably the dirtiest keyboards as well. Ewww.

Here comes the science:

A Harvard Econ Prof (and where can I get a grant like this?) tracked online subscriptions to porn sites by area code. Utah is #1 at 5.47 subscribers per thousand. Only Utah and Mississippi had subscribers over 3.6 per thousand. We beat you, Mississippi. Suck it!

You can get the whole study if you subscribe to the Journal of Economic Perspectives. I just read it for the articles and not the centerfold.

And I always thought those kiosks in the mall were just selling Christian videos. Guess I'll have to dig a little deeper in the DVD bin next time. What's all this about the Song of Solomon?

Guess if you're going to have all those kids, after a while it takes a little something to start you up. Why does this remind me of when Michigan was number 1 in murders one year? The State's response was to criticize the methodology of the study. I'm guessing Utah isn't going to invest in more sex education and Planned Parenthood clinics. I'm sure we'll discuss this in a reasoned and enlightened manner. That will be swept under the rug like our widespread happy pill addiction.

Maybe more broadband investment will happen though.

I can best sum up this whole subject up with the following: you can subscribe?

Who knew? Man, you gotta want it to do that. It's free practically all over the place. What do you get if you subscribe? Personalized wet naps?

Fred Bear

2009-03-09T09:15:00.003-06:00

Reason # 143 to Love Utah

That's right, kids. It's time for the Huntin' n Fishin' Show. Oh sure, they're calling it the International Sportsmen's Exposition. But it's all about huntin' and fishin'. .

I call it the White Trash Expo, but let's not get off on a rant so early in the week.

And it's international. If you count Wyoming as a foreign country. And you probably should if you've ever been there.

So, ladies if you're looking for a Big Strappin' Mountain Man, head on down to the South Towne Center this week. Feel free to print out that swell coupon over there.

And while you're there, make sure to get your photo with a baby bear! Check out that third bullet point. How do you not lead with baby bear pictures? That's really what makes this expo so fun: semi-wild animals and the chance for mauling!

I'm going to have some peanut butter for breakfast, carry some dog treats in my pockets and rub honey behind my ears before my picture.

This should be the best picture ever!

Paperback Writer

2009-03-06T14:48:00.003-07:00

As proof that crime does pay, we submit the following.

Former Illinois Gov. Blogo has signed a book deal reportedly worth 6 figures. Wow, he'd usually have to sell two Senate seats for that kind of coin.

But the crack ups at the Tribune asked readers what the tome should be titled.

Sure, they came up with some good ones. I particularly like The Grapes of Graft and James and the Giant Impeach.

But to really get these books flying off the shelves, may I suggest the following:

Lord of the Stings
The Court of Money Blogo
Where the $*)@*(# Money Things Are
On The Take
Of Human Bonds or Stocks
Slimedog Thousandaire
The Strangest
A Weasel in Time
Assbag Shrugged
The Sun Also Is For Sale
The Age of No Innocence
Blogo's Web (of Lies)
Robby in Funded-land
Crime & More Crime
Bribe, the Beloved Country
The Tip Jar
To Fleece a Mockingbird
How the West Was Won on Ebay
Gone with the Bid
Brideshead Resold
Memoirs of a Weasel
The Color Green
Sponsorship Down
The Five Assbags You Meet In Office
Dork of Darkness
Remains of the Pay

Feel free to play along at home, kids. And get that Amazon pre-order in now. Everyone is going to hear what this esteemed author has to say.

Shock the Monkey

2009-03-05T09:01:00.003-07:00

Earlier in the week, I had alluded to an incident with the Wee One, Tiki.

Every now and then at night before bed, he likes to sit in the corner by the wall and the couch and get the pre-sleep nap in. I know. It's tough to be a dog.

Anyway, we had recently gotten a new lamp so the Wife could read in the family room.

Well apparently Tiki isn't completely out of his chewing phase even though he's 7 months now.

So he starts going at the electrical cord. And chews through enough of it that's he's getting shocked. And can't let go. Luckily, the Wife was smart enough to yank the cord for him.

He was really freaked out and made yipping noises like nothing we'd heard out of him. And his hair was standing up. Kinda like this.

Luckily, he's fine and back to chewing on his brother like normal. The cord is repaired (cause I'm a big, strapping mountain man and can handle stuff like that), but Tiki won't sit over there any more.

I'm guessing Tiki caught Tom Wilkinson's portrayal of Ben Franklin when we were watching Adams and just wanted to try his own experiment. Which didn't go so well.

Now I've got to see about inventing some rubber dog boots for electrical work.

Rag Doll

2009-03-04T09:09:00.002-07:00

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a very, very long time.

I have no idea where it's really from. Genius.

Baby Got Back

2009-03-03T11:02:00.004-07:00

Man, I got nothing today. Other than an ill-formed, half-assed, not even good enough for a cocktail napkin anecdote about the wee one and some hijinks he got up to.

So take a Bob & Tom song in the interim.

There's something that I'd really like to say
I'm glad that we're together every day
I wanted you to know
I've always got your back
And I"ll be right here behind you all the way.

I'm your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
Between your buns is where I'll always be
I'm soaking up the shade
Down where the fudge is made
I'm your butt crack
That's me

A butt crack comes in handy, I'm not kidding
I do my best to keep your sphincter hidden
Sorry 'bout those skid marks inside your BVD's
Last night you ate burritos
Too bad you had to sneeze

I'm your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
That pungent part of your anatomy
Something everybody's got
Some are hairy, some are not
I'm your butt crack
That's me

The aperture that's in your tush
Where the sun don't shine
The gap in your gluteous maximus
That's the bottom line

I'm your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
I could use a change of scenery
I'm the crevice in your tail
I'd be popular in jail

I'm your butt crack
He's your butt crack
I'm your butt crack
That's me
Life sure is sweet
in the middle of your seat

Damn Yankees

2009-02-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

If you hadn't heard, Alyssa Milano is writing a book about baseball.

I know! No one told me that Alyssa Milano could write.

Sorry, that was just way too easy.

Now you may be wondering what qualifies her to write a book about baseball. That's easy--her breasticles. I'm just kidding. I'm sure she's a very sweet, talented, amazing writer. With fantastic fun bags that defy gravity.

Just take a look at that cover. See how they are trumpeting her vast qualifications and prior prose endeavors. That's some Grade A Marketing.

And check out that grueling book tour schedule. Four separate stores! And as far away as Brooklyn. So you can see why she's a Dodgers fan. They only left Brooklyn before she was born. I'm sure you can pick up that bit of history and other minutiae in the book.

But "Safe at Home?" Lame.

Here are some suggestions for the fine folks at Harper Collins who seem to be so quick to send a rejection letter when an aspiring author sends them a treatment missive. Or so I've heard.

Rejected Names for Alyssa Milano's Baseball Book

Who's the DH?
Players I've Banged
Embrace of the Umpire (both of you who've seen this sex fueled movie, you're welcome)
During Orgies, Players Must Remain in Batting Order
My Cousin Injected Me, But I'm Sorry Now
Getting to Third Base With Alyssa Milano
Bleacher Reacher Around
Not a Spitter
Is That a Cup or Are You Just Glad to See Me?
Alone on the Mounds
Bang the Girl Slowly
The UnNatural
Confessions of a Sorority Baseball Annie
Who's On Me First?
He's Scratching Because He Loves Me
Poison Ivy at Wrigley Field
Casey at the Bust
Los Angeles Lolita (Alyssa's finest role)
Bull Dunhim Already
Touch 'Em Both
Take Me Out and Ball Me
Don't Stop Unless You're Short

If I've somehow managed to overlook any of the esteemed work of Ms. Milano, mea culpa. Now I've got to go get a cookie.

Ground Control to Major Tom

2009-02-26T14:38:00.004-07:00

If you hadn't heard, NASA is doing some renovations on the International Space Station.

And you thought you had trouble getting a repairman to show up on time at your house. Just think what a pain it is to get someone to show up in space. Just make sure you're there between 8 am and 6 pm. Unless there's traffic or a meteor shower, then all bets are off.

International space station? Yeah, I think we know who's doing all the heavy lifting on this one. How is that Jamaican Space Program coming again?

But NASA needs our help naming Node 3. You can vote for one of four names: Earthrise, Legacy, Serenity or Venture. Yeah, I know. Craptacular.

Luckily, you can also write in your own entry. Those engineer types clearly need some help. Here's what I'm going to be stuffing the ballot box with:

Red 5
Don't Trust Any Damn Dirty Apes
Hal, Open the Pod Bay Door
Attempting Re-Entry
NCC-1701E
Third Node from the Sun
Red Dwarf
Space Shittle
Moonraker
UNO (Unidentified Nodal Object)
Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing
Money Pit
Node Tell Motel
Attack of the Nodes
Plan Node from Outer Space

Yes, you can tell I've seen way too many Sci-fi movies.

And this post was a lot funnier in concept than it was in practice. Sorry, kids. That'll teach me not to drink and post.

We Are Family

2009-02-25T14:34:00.003-07:00

I think the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse must be saddling their steeds.

Because MC Hammer is getting his own reality series.

I won't bother to say, yes, that MC Hammer. Because like there'd be another MC Hammer.

And it's on A&E. A&E used to stand for Arts & Entertainment. That's been changed to Accidents & Egregious. And those accidents are train wrecks.

A&E is going with Hammertime for the name of the show. Boring!

Here are some suggestions for those clever folks at A&E.

U Can't Watch This
Parachute Pants Were Never InStyle
The Hammer Family Groove
Teenage Mutant Ninja Hammers
Too Legit to Work
Turn This Mutha Off
Please Hammer, Don't Sing Again
(Hocked All My) Platinum
Pray (You Can Find the Remote)
Vanilla Ice Said "Hell No"
Let's Get This Over With

Feel free to play along at home kids. I hope you appreciate how much intertube research I had to do to find more than the two Hammer songs I couldn't get the hell out of my head.

So take this.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

2009-02-23T10:26:00.003-07:00

If you were watching last night's Gay Super Bowl, you might have noticed a Will Smith delivered line went waaaaay over the collective heads of the too-cool-for-the-room audience.

See Will was stuck delivering some technical awards. These are also known as the awards you shouldn't have to sit through: Special Effects, Editing, Director Fluffing, Sound Editing or something like that. Because Will was delivering so many awards back to back, he inevitably messed something up.

While stumbling over his lines and his inability to get out the word "outstanding", Will said, "Boom goes the dynamite."

Well kids, because you're my super secret special intertubes friends, here it is. You're probably only a sports geek if you got this one. Guilty as charged.

This guy makes Albert Brooks' network debut in Broadcast News look good.

Enjoy.

Rock Me Amadeus

2009-02-19T14:41:00.004-07:00

If you hadn't heard about it already, Kid Rock is getting his own microbrew.

Yup, the Michigan Brewing Company is working on a craft beverage that captures the essence of Kid. Reportedly, it will be called "American Bad Ass."

Wow, is that craptacular.

They should have brought in some high powered PR Flack types to work on the name. Then they could have come up with something good.

Something like:

Kid Rock Doublebock
Malt & Barley Jesus
White Trash Hefeweisen
Miller Lowlife
Pambo-Ex Porter
Skeeveylicious
Loserbrau
Barely Avoid Jail Ale
St. Paulie Punk
Tommy Lee Can Suck It
Soundslike Shitz
Corona Cocky
Assaultaholic
Poncho Problem Porter

Feel free to play along at home,kids.

Whatever they name it, you'll be sure to be drinking it all summer long. Because I'm sure everyone wants to be just like Kid with the many wise choices he's made in his life.

At least he hangs out in Northern Michigan. All the cool kids are doing it.

Kid Rock All Summer Long Music Video
Uploaded by ericsmith92

Book of Love

2009-02-18T09:24:00.003-07:00

So Sunday was a little crazy because as I'm getting older, I'm starting to forget things: passwords to various webtubes that require registration, how to dress properly, the library book I'm currently reading. But it's the last one that concerns our current tale.

On Sunday, I lost my book somewheres. No idea where.

Could have been the restaurant where the Wife and I engaged in public mastication. Of bacon of course. Or the dog park. Or the second dog park because there weren't enough dogs at the first park. Or the McDonald's where I had to pee from standing around in the cold for so long.

Now a slight digression. Lest you think the dogs are spoiled (they are), the dog park is solely self interest for us. First, we get to see other dogs on a purely physical basis. Second, our dogs get to sniff new butts and stop chewing on each other for almost a whole second. Third, by running around like maniacs for an hour or so, our dogs get tired and sleep for most of the day so it's like we don't have dogs at all. Except for the wet smell around the house. Yeah, this makes perfect sense.

Anyway, as the hounds were out and I wanted to read, I couldn't locate my book. Monday was spent retracing the steps to find the book. And calling the restaurant to see if anyone turned it in. Of course not.

Tuesday I steeled myself to go back to the library and fess up. I expected lecturing, recriminations, a cross exam by the Library Cop, some forms to fill out, coughing up for a new, replacement book and a notation on my permanent record that I was a scofflaw.

Amazingly, someone had already returned the Lost Book to the library.

I don't know which of my fellow Salt Lakers located the Runaway Reading Material and took it back to where it once belonged, but thank you. I know I wouldn't have done the same. I'd have turned it in to someone in apparent authority at the restaurant. Of course if I lost it in a parking lot or somewhere there might actually be no one to turn it into. But I probably wouldn't have let a library book discovery turn into an errand.

So now I've got to come up with some Random Act of Kindness or the gigantic wheel of Karma will roll back around and crush me under it. Karma, like gravity, is a harsh mistress. If I don't even the score, I'm doomed.

Maybe some situation will present itself like the convenient ending to a sitcom, but I'm not holding my breath. I've got to balance things out before I get screwed.

Any ideas, kids?

Cry Me a River

2009-02-16T10:30:00.002-07:00

If you didn't get to catch it, here it is. Thanks to the power of TIVO, I got to see this the next day. Bless you Season Pass.

And if you ever think Jay or Conan or anyone can carry Dave's jock, look and learn.

For the record, I think this is a scam.

But I'm not willing to bet on whether The Wreslter 2 or rehab is next for Joaquin.

Stay

2009-02-15T06:04:00.004-07:00

By now you may have heard of the the calamitous national tragedy that faces our country. No, not the economy. We've known that's effed up for years and that no one understands it.

This is something important: the retirement of Brett Favre from the New York Bretts. Again.

Now I don't want to seem skeptical, but I seem to remember how this played out last time. And far be it from me to suggest that everyone's favorite gunslinging 39 year old quarterback has just figured out the best way in the world to get out of training camp.

This time there was no tearful press confernece, but Brett retiring is like when they used to put the cape on James Brown. He's been back more times than Jason.

No one really wants Brett to leave anyway. Not John Madden, not Frank Caliendo, not cornerbacks from the New York Giants. And let's face it, if the Lions are still allowed to be in the league, the Commish ought to force them to sign him as a free agent.

We know your shoulder hurts, Brett. But strap on the shoulder pain pump and take one for the fans. If Warner could make it to the Super Bowl at 37, just think what Brett can do at 40. How can we expect to enjoy football without that grizzled veteran improving while scrambling and then forcing one into double coverage?

Don't go, Brett. If only for the Wrangler commercials.

We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off

2009-02-14T07:43:00.001-07:00

...but it sure the heck helps.

The wonderminds over at someecards have captured it exactly for me.

You should be doing this romance stuff all the time not just on Hallmark holidays. Especially now that football season is over.

Impromptu gifts are always a good idea. And will immediately make your mate/spouse/squeeze wonder why you're feeling so guilty that you sprung for a gift.

Don't worry kids. You can't win, but it's most important that you're trying to play the game.

Speaking of games, here's your pop quiz:

Women are to flowers as Men are to .....

a) beer

b) blowjobs

c) steak

d) sexy lingerie

e) all of the above

Enjoy the pressure-packed day!

On the Road to Nowhere

2009-02-13T12:18:00.004-07:00

I will confess that whilst the Wife and I were watching the Dog Show this week, we were threatening our dogs with replacement.

"That's a Japanese Akita. I'll bet he's willing to work harder than some lazy American dog."

Our hounds can't even figure out how to turn on the expensive exercise equipment we bought them so that we don't have to go out in the cold to wear them out. Ingrate mutts.

Luckily, our hounds don't have a fey haircut that the other dogs can make fun of.

The dog that won Best in Show, Stump, is 10 years old. That's 70 in dog years. But I heard he's already got a 35 year old bitch now.

Enjoy the weekend, kids.

Now I gotta go add Best In Show to my Netflix queue.

I'm Sorry

2009-02-12T07:24:00.001-07:00

I'd like to apologize to all my fans. Both of you.

I've let you down. I've also let my team, my manager, my entourage the sport and the vendors down. I've also let my guard, defenses, firewall and pants down. Especially the pants.

I was young and naive. I felt the pressure to keep blogging every day. I had to meet the expectations of such a big contract. Especially since I didn't have one.

Yes, I've used performance enhancing drugs.

Typically, I would take a pharmacopoeia of pharmaceuticals and evenly distribute them on the floor. Rolling around on Vioxx, Levitra, Clearasil, Massengil, Leptovox, Echinacea, Fish Oil, Vitamin C, Cialis, Everclear, Valvoline VR1 Racing Oil, HGH, Progesterone, Testosterone and Pespi One never failed to inspire me. It was too tough to come up with all those boobie jokes on my own. And I lacked the confidence to think I could do it on my own.

But even though I used to cheat during the years of 2001 until 2003, I'd like to come clean and let everyone know that it's over. It's been just me since then. Sure I was lying to you before, but I'm telling you the truth now. You can trust me even though I've been named in the Mitchell Report, the McLaughlin Report, the Weather Report, the Book Report, and the Warren Commission Report.

But all the awards, the MVP's, the Pulitzer Prizes, sex with washed up pop stars and the endless whining for a big book, syndication, Google Ad, movie deal or some other way to cash in and sell out big time were all me. With a little help from my friends: Dave, Craig, Bob & Tom, The Muse, The Wife, the Hell Hounds, and especially Foster.

I'd just like to reiterate: I'm very, very sorry. That I got caught.

Now I'll be posing for some suitably contrite photos for the next five minutes. After that, I release the hounds.

Funeral For a Friend

2009-02-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

Have you been in line at the checkout and the asshat behind you is so close you can feel his breath on your neck? I wanted to turn around and say "Listen. No matter what happens, you're next."

Bless you, Tommy for putting into words exactly what I was feeling.

That's why I shop online so much. That and having to actually interact with strangers. But I'm being forced to go to CrapCo--for information.

See the Wife went there and bought a 45 pack of peanut butter crackers for some reason. She may have thought we were going to be held hostage or snowed in or preparing for the rapture or something. I eat maybe 2 of these a week. So this package of peanut butter crackers should last until about the next Olympics.

But these are recalled crackers. Yes as part of the Great Peanut Butter Scare of '09, these are tainted. And theoretically Kellogg's is allowing you to get a refund at their swell customer service number at 877-869-5633. And they ask you how much money you spent on the crackers.

So this is your big chance to cash in. But I'm figuring they're not complete idiots. If they figured out how to completely automate the phone system so that you can't ever really talk to a person, you probably just can't make up a big, hairy round number and get away with it. So all you sucks who went for a million dollars for your answer are screwed.

That's why I figured I'd go to CrapCo's website and just find out how much the crackers cost and then add a handling fee, transportation fee, convenience fee, and undercoating fee to come up with some slightly exaggerated number that might still pass the straight face test.

Except CrapCo doesn't have the crackers on their site. But they do have caskets. Serial.

Why does CrapCo sell caskets? As a service to their members. Oh, that makes perfect sense then. It's not odd at all. It must just be me.

And CrapCo doesn't just sell caskets online, but caskets with expedited shipping. That's what happens when you don't have time to go to your local Casket Carnival.

Now I'll confess to never having planned a funeral. But I'm pretty sure I'd remember the casket. Because it'd be pretty embarrassing to be on the way to MeeMaw's funeral and remember that you need to all of a sudden find an internet cafe so you can order a casket for delivery that afternoon.

That's why I want to plan ahead and buy a casket now. You can probably fill it with ice and beer for watching the game. But those gunmetal grey jobbies are probably going to scratch up the wood flooring when the hounds start wrasslin' and moving furniture all over the place.

So if anyone knows how much a grundle of recalled peanut butter crackers should cost, let me know. Because otherwise I'm pretty sure that my crackers cost $2,599.99. Amazingly the same cost as the Edwards Casket. Or a really big tv. What a coincidence.

Message in a Bottle

2009-02-11T09:48:00.004-07:00

I'm not ready for stuff to start talking to me and telling me what to do. That's what spouses and friends and acquaintances and random strangers are for.

My Whopper is apparently pissed at me. I didn't even know we were having a disagreement.

My Stylefeeder thinks I'm gay. Probably heard that from my Tivo when it started suggesting all those Bravo shows.

The Garmin lady is giving me that disapproving, resentful tone when she says, "recalculating" and emphasizes the cal syllable. That's code for "Why can't you follow simple instructions for heaven's sake?"

And now my fortune cookie is getting attitude.

At lunch yesterday: Work on improving your exercise routine.

Ow. That hurts. And Chinese food had always been there for me. I thought General Tsao had my back.

Well far be it from me to take advice from faux Chinese desserts. Next time, I'm just going to have Fong slip a diet pill into my Mu Shu Pork.

Stars Are Blind

2009-02-09T11:03:00.004-07:00

I'm not sure why some people are famous.

It seems like people confuse fame with importance. A comedian once said famous people do commercials. Important people won't. (I think that was Scott Dunn but can't remember).

We used to have Zsa Zsa Gabor and George Hamilton. Zsa Zsa wasn't even in Green Acres. That was Eva. And other than Zorro the Gay Blade, I'm not sure what Georgie Boy did other than bring the tan to Hollywood.

Now we have Paris Hilton. And her wonderful music. Warning, the prior link may cause severe auditory damage.

But I think Paris may be back on the diet pills. Because she's also started a foray into scrapbooking. I'm not making this up.

The former Simple Life "star" has a line of scrapbooking, jewelry and fashion kits that were on display at a recent Craft and Hobby Association Trade Show. Wooky Entertainment from Canada has the full press release available at their site. Line of the release?

Paris' Creativity Collection was "conceived for sophisticated and savvy young ladies in search of trend and prestige." Wow, that's the epitome of the straight face test.

According to the article I read while attempting to keep from spewing my bacon all over the table in laughter, currently the kits are only available in Canada and part of Europe. Oh, you lucky Canadians!

Now far be it from me to tell a prestigious Canadian scrapbooking company whom they should base their new product line. But Paris brings a very unique perspective to any scrapbook about her life.

You'll want to be sure to include all of the following in your Paris Hilton scrapbook:

First Reality TV Show
First Failed Reality TV Show
First Sex Tape
First Sex Tape where you look bored
First Mugshot
First Media gaffe revealing your ignorance (Gordon Ramsay isn't the Prime Minister? Well, he should be.)
First Vodka bottle
Pictures of first party you're paid to attend
First Love (just pictures of Paris)
First accessory pet

I'm sure there are plenty of other things that go into a scrapbook. Luckily, I have no idea what those are. Chime in peeps.

Let's Get Political

2009-02-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

More email from Crackberry 1.

I think the new gig is starting to take it's toll.

---------------------------------------------

To: t2ed
From: lincoln2@whitehouse.gov
Re: Stim Pkg

OMG. DC guys r ffd up! New plan is to make them pay their taxes. That'll stiml8t 3conomy.

Prtty sur I'm getting a Stlrs jersey when they visit. WooT! Bet ur jlous. :)

Lurve,

BO

----------------------------------------------

This is the End

2009-02-06T09:58:00.005-07:00

Enjoy it this weekend, kids. Some see it as one last gasp. Others see it as one last torment. One final meaningless football game before the NFL comes to a close. And you thought you'd finally be free of the sporting events your spouse inflicts upon you. Bwahahaha. It never ends. That's right, you're going to be stuck watching basketball from here on out.

This weekend, it's the Pro Bowl. Arguably the most worthless of all of the celebratory sporting events.

And even thought it's worthless, you can still bet on it. That's right, you can take that bad advice you got last week to bet on the Steelers and turn your season around.

You really should be going to yet another football watching party. If you don't, the terrorists win.

Enjoy watching the millionaires going through the motions while you sit in an ice storm. Really, a power outage may be a blessing.

Top 10 Signs You're at a Lame Pro Bowl Party

10) Pre-game show consists of Matt Millen saying "Here ya go, ya humps."

9) The veggie dip is last week's dip that's turned

8) Squares in the pool only cost a nickel

7) Halftime show is a Dusty Springfield impersonator

6) Pretzel rods already have salt sucked off them

5) Non-alcoholic beer

4) Someone keeps asking what inning it is

3) Host serves sandwiches by hiking them between his legs

2) You spin a bottle and have to make out with John Madden

1) Overtime

Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get your own two minute drill at halftime, kids. Enjoy the game.

The Lonely Goatherd

2009-02-05T12:37:00.006-07:00

It's pretty obvious that Hollywood is out of ideas. Other than comic books of course. So instead of making movies about 60's sitcoms, it's time to start re-making movie classics. Sure they already re-did Psycho with Vince Vaughn and it bombed.

That's why we're re-doing a musical this time: The Sound of Music.

If you've never seen the Sound of Music, you really should get out more. But here's the much shortened version. A nun, Maria, becomes the nanny for a widowed naval officer with 7 children. Thanks to her amazing musical range, the entire family falls for her and they escape from Nazi's by hiking over the Alps.

We're going to update it. In this version, Maria is a former hooker, the kids are from an in vitro fertilization which went horribly well, and the naval officer is a former CIA agent (who may have had ties to the Nazis) turned aspiring, guitar-playing rock and roller. Think Pretty Woman meets The Rocker meets Indiana Jones.

The Nazis stay of course. They're practically orcs. You've got to have a cardboard cut out baddy. And we can probably work in a song called Nazi Boys to Janet Jackson's Nasty Boys.

But the showstopper is going to be Least Favorite Things. Thanks to Thom Schuyler for all the real work.

Tin foil toothpicks and hair in my salad,
When the computer says "password invalid"
Slick country music all tied up in strings,
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Hitting my thumb with a twenty ounce hammer,
Seventeen, Hustler, The Nation and Glamour
When the mechanic says "new set of rings"
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Microsoft Windows and internet chattin'
Men dressed like women and Knights in White Satin,
Cutting my finger while changing my strings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

When the cat pees
In my wingtips
Or my girlfriend's purse
I simply remember
My Least Favorite Things
And then I feel
Even worse.

Slithering creatures and slipping transmissions
Speaking of snakes, did I say politicians?
When I'm asleep and the telephone rings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Musical parodies meant to be clever
Most of the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber
Losing the wedge from a new set of Pings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things

Frozen fruit salad and bourbon with Pepsi
Pretty much everything finally upsets me
Every time Wayne Newton dances or sings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things

When the dog craps
In the kitchen
I get really pissed
I simply remember
My Least Favorite Things
And I add it to my list.

I smell Academy Award. Especially when we get someone the kids go crazy for like the Jonas Sisters or Jughead Archuletta or Halley Montana or someone else I never listen to.

What's on your list, kids?

Love Will Keep Us Together

2009-02-04T13:21:00.004-07:00

It's almost here, kids. The favorite, completely manufactured holiday that you love to hate: Cupid Is Stupid Day.

You may know it as Valentine's Day. You're less educated friends may know it as Valentimes Day. I wish I were making that up.

Yes, it's once again your chance to fail at meeting your sweetie's expectations.

This primarily is for the men out there. Both of you. Because the pressure is on us. Women just have to show up with beer and get nakey on the 14th. We have to meet those increased expectations and have grand plans that involve romance.

I remember one Valentimes where the girl I had asked the girl I was dating what she wanted. She said, "I just want you to be extra sweet to me all day long."

"Flowers it is," was my reply.

I've since learned not to be so lippy around teh womenfolk.

It's best to just go with the most expensive jewelry you can afford, pretend you're listening while she's talking about feelings, and go to the drive through and do it bunches.

Gentlemen, there are several gifts you probably should avoid:

Fur bra liners (even if you live somewhere really cold)
Any household appliance
BitterSweets
Tattoo gift certificate (good for your name only)
Ceiling fans
Flowers from the gas station
A misspelled cake
Batteries
ShamWow
A Snuggie with a strategically cut hole
Dinner out at any restaurant involving a coupon
Tiddy Bear
Health club membership

I'm sure there are others.

What's the worst VD gift you ever got? Or gave?

Puff the Magic Dragon

2009-02-03T09:26:00.000-07:00

By now, unless you're still in your post-Super Bowl funk, you've probably seen the picture of Michael Phelps hitting what the mainstream media is terming "a pipe associated with marijuana." Geez, people. It's a bong. You can say it. It's not like we're talking about sex in a grown up fashion or anything. Those words are still a no no.

As an aside, I'm too lazy to find that picture, ~~steal~~ leverage it, and post it here. Deal with it, pinkbellies. You'll have to make due with a link if you need to gaze upon it again.

I don't really get the furor over this. Wow, a 23 year old smoked dope at a South Carolina University party. How long has this been going on? The hallowed academic institution which gave us Hootie and the Blowfish and the Gamecocks has some hijinx going on there. Stop the presses.

The real story is whomever took the picture and ratted him out. I love the quote: If he continues to party like that, I'd be amazed if he won any more medals again." Yeah, maybe he can rest his head on the 14 he already has. Oh, and the big pile of money he's warned from his endorsements. It's not like Mikey isn't famous enough to just call up and ask for New York Yankees tickets and not score them. Or anything else he wants. Even if that is apparently just a Carolina co-ed.

Personally, I hope this gets some people off the fence about marijuana. I don't indulge, but I've known others who do. Like the Disney animators who did Fantasia. And if you can be an amazing athlete and hit the BC bud every now and then, who am I to tell you what to do. Maybe this will be the impetus to legalize it, tax it and get us out of the economic doldrums. At the very least it would spur sales of Twinkies.

Anyway, here's your list.

Top 10 captions for the Michael Phelps Bong Picture:

10) And you thought he only breathed water.
9) If I had to spend 8 hours in a pool all day, I'd be getting high too.
8) Is that a bong in your Speedo or are you just happy to see me?
7) Someone better warn the Olympic Snowboarding athletes.
6) I'm going to be on the box of Weed-Eze.
5) This explains the Guitar Hero commercial.
4) That apology his publicist wrote seemed very sincere.
3) I'm very, very sorry....I got caught.
2) Now we know how he was able to eat all that food during his training.
1) Dude, where's my medal?

Seriously, who's worked up about this?

Now I've got to get working on my Official Michael Phelps Breathe Right Training Bong. Look for it wherever hastily constructed products are sold.

Mother In Law

2009-02-02T07:14:00.001-07:00

More email from my newest, bestest, Presidential Blackberry toting buddy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: t2ed01@gmail.com
From: Lincoln2@whitehouse.gov
Re: MIL

OMG. MomInLaw driving me nuts. Constant reminder that most people still live under tyranny! Does the CasaBlanca have a dungeon?

Go Steelrs!!

Lurve, BO
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope he at least got to watch the game in peace on Sunday. Who knew he was a Steelers fan?

This does bring up a related topic: the genius of Heywood Banks. And his song for the new President

President Obama, are you a super man?
I knew you had to deal with Iraq & Afghanistan.
The polar caps are melting, the economy is in free fall.
But now I hear on top of that
You're gonna live with your Mother in Law.

Mother in Law
Haw haw haw
Your Mother in Law
Your Mother in Law

Palestinians and Israel, India and Pakistan
That North Korea Elvis Dwarf, that wacko in Iran.
They will say "Let's be friends" cause they never saw
A man who could live in the same house
With his Mother in Law

Mother in Law
Haw haw haw
Living with your Mother in Law
Living with your Mother in Law

They're closing down old Gitmo. They're closing down that place.
Dick Cheney won't be around to splash water in their face.
But the Al Queda guys will confess
At the drop of a straw
Or we'll send them off to live
With their Mother in Law

Game Day

2009-02-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

From the geniuses over at someecards. They rock.

Anything by The Allan Parsons Project

2009-01-31T13:12:00.004-07:00

I'm not sure why today seems just a tad....off. Maybe it was the Midnight Puppy Patrol Pukefest that put me off my center of being.

Or maybe it's all the hype surrounding the game tomorrow.

Or maybe I'm just feeling freaky because it's actually quiet in the house. Wife off to get her hair done. Pups wiped out from the dog park and are actually quietly asleep dreaming about romping in a field of bacon.

Which gives me to much time to think about what I should do with my life. Besides crack wise here of course. This is what happens when there's no football on and no college hoops I care about on tv. Curses.

Does anyone out there have an online project management certificate?

I was thinking about going back to school for a bit. At least until Barack hires me to be the First Dog Wrangler. You know how this always works out. You fill out all the paperwork for the background check on your Dog Wrangling skills, then it takes forever for the Committee on Government Sinecures to get around to you.

I'm good at Project Management. It's probably my inherent ability to enjoy telling other people what to do. And it's a nice mid-point until I become Benevolent Dictator for Life. Hey, Castro has to kick one of these days and Raoul isn't getting any younger.

But is the certificate more valuable than just being able to point to all the projects you've already run? Getting an IT project isn't rocket science in my book. Just double all the time estimates they give you. At one of my old employers, the IT project methodology was extremely painful. And more than 50% of the time, the estimates were off by more than 100%. You may as well have flipped a coin for that kind of accuracy.

Anyway, advice is always welcome.

You've Got to Be a Football Hero

2009-01-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Hey, is something big coming up this weekend? You haven't heard anything about the Most Important Football Game Ever have you? Until next year's Most Important Football Game Ever of course.

I'm just playing with you. I know the Exxon Mobil, Publix, Raymond James Stupor Bowl is in Tampa, FL this weekend. Oh, on NBC of course.

Now some people see this chaos as a time of opportunity. No, not the hookers. I'm talking about the gamblers. Yes, you may be shocked to know that there is gambling on the Super Bowl. I know. How long has this been going on?

Some asshats are still lording it over their spouses that they correctly predicted last year's game. The New England Patsies never, ever cover. Especially Plaxico Burress.

This year it's trickier. The Steel Curtains Matches the Drapes are giving 7 points to the Arizona Non-Desert Indigenous Species Cardinals. Yes, people in Arizona are so excited to find out they have a team in the NFL!

But that's not going to be enough! Yep, I'm going out on a limb. Skip the mortgage and put everything on Pittsburgh. Purely for entertainment purposes only of course. Unless I'm right then I'll gloat about it just like this next year.

But the score isn't the main focus on the game. It's all the proposition bets. Proposition is a French word that means sucker. It's fun to wager on all the oddball things that can happen during the game. The house picks a number and then you have to decide whether that thing is going to happen more or less than that number. See? Simple.

Here are just a few examples. (Yes, you knew we'd get here eventually.)

Food references by John Madden - over/under 17
Brett Farve references by John Madden - over/ under 4
John Madden references by John Madden - over/under 3
NFL players arrested during game - over/under 2 1/2
Barack Obama references during game - over/under 15
Bruce Springsteen wardrobe malfunctions - over/under 1
References to Mean Joe Green commercial at your Super Bowl Party- over/under 4
Super Bowl commercials for liquor - over/under 52
Drunk Driving Public Service Announcements - over/under 1
Truck Commercials - over/under 34
Howie Long calls you a pussy for having the wrong truck commercial- over/under 5
Auto Companies Whining for a Bailout - over/under 1
Commercials using fart humor to get a cheap laugh - over/under 5
Commercials using T&A to get noticed - over/under 317
Commercials you can't tell what they're advertising - over/under 3.5
MVP thanks Jesus and/or Higher Power - over/under 4
MVP thanks Agent - over/under 4
MVP thanks Coach - over/under 0
MVP refers to self in 3rd person - over/under 2
Referee obviously blows call on the field - over/under 5
Telemarketer calls during game and is surprised you don't want to talk - over/under 2
Obligatory, unoriginal news stories about how much pizza ordered during game - over/under 568

Feel free to pass along your own bets, kids. And enjoy the game. Now pipe down and get in the kitchen and make me a sammich.

You Know I Can't Dance

2009-01-29T07:08:00.001-07:00

Last week's January 24th was supposedly the worst day of the year. Thank you British Psychologist who pulled that date out of his ass. Glad that's over. It's all uphill from here obviously.

But one of the "reasons" for the 24th being so craptacular was because by now people have already abandoned their resolutions.

Luckily, everyone who comes here is perfect. But some folks need help with their resolutions. And while no one would in any way need to lose any weight, I saw something while getting lost in Target and trying to find what I really wanted.

The Dirty Dancing Workout.

They're ~~pimping~~ tag is "Get Fit and Have the Time of Your Life." Ah, nothing makes you want to work out like crummy 80's music.

Obviously, you can learn to move like Baby and Johnny. But, you can't work out in the corner. Because no one puts Baby in the corner.

Warning: the Dirty Dancing Workout may cause pregnancy scares and nose jobs.

I Ain't No Senator's Son

2009-01-28T12:43:00.003-07:00

All right, kids. It's really starting to get weird in the Land of Lincoln.

Hot Rod Blagojevich is getting curiouser and curiouser. If you have trouble pronouncing that name, just remember it rhymes with Prison Bitch. Take a look at that weasel over there. That hair, those shifty eyes, the furtive manner. All he's lacking is a plaid sports coat and a '74 Gremlin that he's trying to unload on some poor, unsuspecting sucker.

Anyway, Blagojevich has said that he considered Oprah for the spot of Illinois Senator.

Seriously, how long before this guy crashes his own airplane and tries to escape on a motorcycle he stashed in a storage unit in Joliet?

Well thanks to this reporter's deeply hidden moles in the Blago administration, we were able to obtain the actual hand-written notes of other people he considered as possible Senatorial replacements.

Michael Jordan
Abraham Lincoln
Shoeless Joe Jackson
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow
Walter Payton
Al Capone
Andre Dawson
Elwood Blues
Jake Blues
Harry Caray
The Inventor of the Chicago Dog
Rikki Lake
Al Bundy
The Inventor of Old Style
Bill Brock
Bill Veeck
The Inventor of Deep Dish Pizza
Marshall Field
Wrigley Field
John Cusack
Joan Cusack
Bob Newhart

Yeah, it's obvious Blago's not hitting on all cylinders right now. Some of those people aren't even real. Like Abraham Lincoln. They just made him up for the penny.

Maybe he'll get to share a cell with former Mayor Kwame.

Call Me

2009-01-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

If you hadn't heard, the crisis has been averted. Just like Joltin' Joe predicted, within the first 60 days, we almost had international incident.

Yes, despite concerns over privacy, White House record-keeping protocols and security, Barack Obama is going to be allowed to keep his Blackberry.

That's good because he sends me text messages all the time. What? I don't even have a cell phone so how can I get the President's text messages. Shut up, kid. No one likes a smart ass. Just go with the bit.

Anyway, Barack must have been meeting with his economic advisers because I got the following last night:

OMG!!! This Country is so FUBAR. :( Luvs, BO

Hope that's not a portent of things to come.

I mean I don't think I should be getting email that says Luvs from the President. This can't end well.

Papa Don't Preach

2009-01-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

Because I didn't brave the cold, the crowds and the chaos, I didn't see Barack the Vote get sworn in. But then neither did anyone else. Because Chief Justice Roberts effed it up, they had to do a big do-over. Oops!

What do they say in psychiatry? There are no accidents. It's because of the prejudice. Because he's Irish. At least he didn't fall for the "State Your Name" that Roberts tried on him.

And after I got sworn in? It wouldn't be any chaste kiss on the cheek for my hot Chocolate MILF. I'd give the Wife the full lip lock with some grindage and probably even a little assgrab on tv. Of course it's entirely this type of conduct that makes any swearing in ceremony worries not much of a concern for yours truly.

Anyway, before the intertubes get all clogged up with speculation about whether Barack is really the President due to the do-over, you'd better hop on over to what is sure to be the hottest thing ever.

The Pope is getting his own YouTube channel. Man, and you thought it was hard to get people to show up for mass now. Once they find out they can just watch from home, those early Sundays are going to be pretty deserted.

All the details are supposed to be revealed tomorrow. But lucky for you kids, this intrepid reporter has some deep moles on the inside. Here's the real skinny for you. Shhh, it's double top secret. At least until the Flacks get hold of it tomorrow.

While they're still deciding upon the name for the channel, it's down to Bless You Tube or And With You Tube (for both of you Catholics who got that joke, you're welcome).

But it's the content that will really have the masses (get it? It's a gift.) coming back again and again.

Top Ten Pope Videos on You Tube:

10) Pope drops Mentos into Diet Coke
9) Pope skateboards
8) Pope puts all Cardinals' robes in freezer during sleep over
7) Pope does a back flip into his jeans
6) Pope psyches crowd with old pretend to sit down move
5) Pope pretends to be Jack Mehoff and calls Sarah Palin
4) Cardinals retaliate by hiding mitre and replacing with propeller beanie
3) Pope re-retaliates by damning Cardinals
2) Pope has mix up with Arizona Cardinals
1) Pope uses staff to "accidentally" hit crotch of whack job who charged at him

Hey, there's no topping crotch trauma for interweb hilarity.

Barack Me Amadeus

2009-01-21T13:40:00.004-07:00

I'll confess to missing the entire gushfest yesterday. I'm not one for ceremonies. Much less long ones with lots of speeches. Somewhere, I'll bet Joe Biden is still talking. Good luck folks. Here are the keys to the Titanic.

Top 10 Things Overheard in DC Yesterday

10) I'm sure Hillary's Presidential Balls would have been much bigger. And brass.
9) No Senator Kennedy, you can't drive.
8) My wife is Secretary of State and will be out of town for 6 months this year. I'm at the Marriott by the way.
7) You can stay until Spongebob is over, Mr. Former President. Then I call the Secret Service.
6) What do you mean I need a deposit for the utilities? It's the White House!
5) Cheney was alone in here. Count the china.
4) No Justice Thomas, I don't want to "bang your gavel."
3) I heard a 10 year old boy from Indiana got his tongue frozen to Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
2) Global warming my ass. If I see Gore, I'm taking a swing.
1) For the last time, girls. We can't take the motorcade through the drive through.

Enjoy the pageantry, kids. It's the closest we'll get to a coronation until the Super Bowl is over.

Wanted Dead Or Alive

2009-01-19T13:36:00.003-07:00

I don't want to say that I racked up major husband points this weekend, but I sat through both Mamma Mia and Marley & Me.

That's a whole lot of cinematic emotion for a big strapping mountain man like yours truly. I was briefly cheered that while Pierce Brosnan is one of the top five prettiest men in the world, he can't sing worth a damn.

And Marley and Me with Jennifer Aniston? Everyone was bawling by the end. If you're a dog person, you may want to skip the last 15 minutes and sneak into something else.

It's so sad when Marley runs off with Angelina Jolie at the end.

Hope I didn't ruin anything for anybody there.

The Name Game

2009-01-16T10:15:00.003-07:00

You know things are bad people when Larry Flynt is asking for a bailout. Just 5 billion to tide him over for a while. Man, when the porn industry starts losing money, times must be tough.

Personally, I'm going to get me a really slick Lexington personal injury lawyer and start diving in front of cars stopped at intersections. A couple of well-placed and seemingly respectable witnesses conveniently in the area before I take my dive and the right chiropractor on the payroll and I'll be on easy street. If I can't take advantage of our overly litigious society, who can?

Once those fat settlement checks start rolling in, I'll be able to help out Uncle Larry. No, he's not really my Uncle. But after seeing Woody Harrelson in that movie, I feel like I know him. Sure Larry wants to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America." I'm sure this isn't just some cheap publicity grab. Uncle Larry has too much class for that.

I thought the porn industry was insulated from an economic downturn. When you're broke, what else is there to do except for doing it bunches? You can't afford to go to the movies, but you can always make your own.

The real problem is that the industry has lost its edge. They used to be extremely clever in ripping off the names of current movies for their less than mainstream fare. The two most genius were On Golden Blonde and Hannah Does Her Three Sisters.

So in an effort to help out Mr. Flynt, here's some starters to get his production geniuses started. And you knew we'd eventually get to a list here, didn't you?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt

Hotel for Doggy Style

Charley, Harley, Farley & Me

Yes Ma'am

Horndog Millionaire

Milk (but it's a verb in this film)

Bride Hoors

The Dork Knight

Forever Long

My Horny Valentine

Hot Bedtime Stories

The Tale of Desper Do Me

Seven Pounds and 9 Inches

Quantum of Solo

Asstralia

Frost/Vixen

Cram Torino

Paul Blart: Mall Stud

De Fiancee

Twilight All Night Long

Have a good weekend, kids. And feel free to play along at home. Uncle Larry needs all the help he can get. Because he sure as hell isn't going to get that 5 billion anytime soon.

Dog Day Afternoon

2009-01-15T13:54:00.004-07:00

I couldn't help but notice that our Presidential Elect First Family has narrowed down its choices for First Dog to two particular breeds: Labradoodle and Portuguese Water Dog.

What kind of an asshat would have those kind of dogs? Wuh? Oh, yeah. This asshat would.

And thanks to all who thought the two Hell Hounds were frikin adorable yesterday. Yes, that's Guinness trying to bit Tiki's head after Tiki was trying to write a check his butt can't cash. Yet.

So it's with some first hand experience that I can give our President Elect a bit of advice regarding the two breeds.

The Labradoodle is a cross between the Labrador Retriever and a Poodle. While not truly non-allergenic (no dog is), the breed typically doesn't shed. First generation labradoodles tends to look scruffier and may have more hair loss than a second generation dog. Typically you get the goofy personality of the Lab and the intelligence of the Poodle.

The breed originated in Australia where they were started as service dogs for those allergic to most breeds. Despite this arcane fact, our Lab won't retrieve. Unless you count an affinity for eating poo as a retrieval skill. So rich, so creamy. Sometimes he just can't resist.

While the breed is extremely good natured, you must also be prepared that you may have a 70 pound lap dog. Who prefers a very comfortable position that puts pressure on your bladder.

The Portuguese Water Dog has bred in his namesake country to assist fishermen by pulling nets and carrying messages back to shore. As such, they have an extremely powerful bite. Especially for things like shoes, hand towels, brother dogs, ice cubs, newspapers or tennis balls.

You may also wish to consult your peer Ted Kennedy as he owns a Portie that he brings to the office and is named Splash. Yes, you'd think someone with that kind of history would avoid any mention of water. It could have been worse, he could have named him Oldsmobile or Chappaquiddick.

As a working class dog, the Portie is better than an Apidexin. Think of him as a furry exercise machine. You won't need to worry about getting too much Oval Office time as you'll be walking that little critter for a couple of hours a day. But at least this will give you an excuse to get outside to sneak a quick smoke. As your Mother-In-Law is moving in, there's no way you're quitting this year.

The Portie is also non-allergenic. But while they don't shed, when they role in horse manure, it's really not a function of how much hair they're letting loose in the house. Sometimes those exotic smells are just too ripe to ignore. Luckily the breed likes water so when you have to wash that horse poo out, it's not too bad. Just ask Tiki. Yesterday. Ah, the joys of pet ownership.

And while this ~~media distraction~~ very important decision that impacts our entire country should not be entered lightly, it might be best if you made sure any chosen dog would be the right fit with your family, lifestyle and new home. Toward that end, if you'd like to borrow for an indefinite period of time either of the breeds, I'm sure we could reach some sort of accommodation. Something in the nature of Ambassador to a country with lots of beaches or some other type of sinecure.

Good luck, B.O. You're going to need it. Better warn your security detail that poop scooping has been added to their job description.

Just remember that if you ever accidentally lock your dog and your wife in the garage for an hour, when you open that door, your dog will be happy to see you.